A Beginner’s Guide to Threesomes, Foursomes, and Moresomes

Oddly Enough, They’re Not All About Sex.

As a culture, we have a bad habit of mixing Wild West impulsivity with Puritanical shame and guilt when it comes to our sexualities. This is especially true for heterosexual, cis-gendered people who have been handed a long list of “everybody knows” and “nobody should talk about” topics. In reality, we usually don’t know and we definitely should talk about it.

A common fantasy, especially for men, is the threesome. Yet, how many men, or women for that matter, have the courage to tell their romantic partner about this desire? In addition to navigating the obvious insecurities and jealousies that are so popular among human beings, the best way to improve the chances of a successful multi-person sexual experience is to know what you want and stop worrying so much about sex.

That last part may seem counterintuitive, but let’s face it, if there’s one thing that makes a vag go dry or a dick go soft, it’s performance anxiety. Fear of our bodies being judged unattractive by others is probably a close second, but when the goal is to bang a lot of chicks and emerge triumphant as an Alpha Male, the bar is high. If the goal is to be a total pillow princess and get done by two Alpha Males, there are double the bodies and souls to consider. If the same-sex partners are bisexual, there’s even more to mull around before stripping naked and diving into the deep end of the sexual identity alphabet. And if they’re not bisexual? Chances are good same-sex touch is going to need some serious negotiation because it’s gonna happen.

Why? Can’t we all just fall into bed and have a good time without it becoming a group therapy session? Sure, that’s statistically possible but not necessarily probable. Whether we like it or not, we bring our emotional baggage to bed with us. If it all busts open due to unexpectedly unpleasant emotions, nobody is likely to enjoy themselves and we may find ourselves unceremoniously disinvited to the carnal cuddle puddle.

Fortunately, there are a number of things we can do to increase the odds of everyone, including ourselves, having a great time. But first, we have to figure out what “a great time” means to us and to the other people we are about to be sexual with. For instance, will new people be added throughout the encounter, like at a swingers club or other Lifestyle outing? Or will this be a closed group of people who may know and feel at ease with one another? While the thrill of anonymity is alluring, multiple-person encounters with strangers can limit our ability to tap out and return for more.

Need a drink of water, a trip to the bathroom, or just a break to admire the view? If someone unknown can step in, they may not be interested in moving aside or sharing space. That’s the kind of information we want to get upfront. Regardless of whether we go way back with our multiple-sex partners or met 15 minutes ago, know that there are many ways to get involved in a three (or more) -some. It can be as simple as gazing into the eyes of our loved one, stroking their hair, or giving them a sensual massage. If we agree that we’re all comfortable with something more daring, but not full-on fucking, there are toys, hands, mouths, and kink activities available. This can take a lot of pressure off partners with penises because the focus stops being on their dicks.

Regardless of what we decide to do, we need to stick to it. The time to negotiate new boundaries and rules is not when we’re fumbling with a condom or excitedly lubing up an orifice. While our choices may work out fine, they can also go terribly sideways due to an inability to properly discuss and think over the sudden change in plans. We might only want to “soft swing,” instead of doing a full swap. If an impulse inspires a desire for more, the risk of someone being triggered increases drastically, even if they feel fine with it in the moment. Sometimes, it’s slow and steady that gets us laid.

And don’t think it’s only newbies who can have problems during or after group sex. So many things can influence a person’s ability to enjoy themselves without emotional discomfort. Not being able to “perform,” fearing our partner prefers their new playfellow, feeling left out; it doesn’t matter how many times we triple and quadruple up. Shit happens especially when we’re venturing into taboo territory. But forewarned is forearmed. Knowing that this can happen means we can prepare for it. We can work out a way to communicate with our partners, whether verbally or non-verbally. We can take a break to breathe, to drink some water, make a sandwich, talk to a friend, ask that the action slow down a bit, or otherwise ground ourselves and let the panic or shame fade. The one thing we do not want to do is macho through the pain and pretend we’re fine. While a little wine with our frolic may help us relax, too much can make the entire process more trouble than it’s worth.

Once everyone is dressed and can reflect on their experience it’s good to talk to our partner about what worked and what didn’t. What would we like to try next time? What do we never want to do again ever in our lives? Do we want to enjoy another round of bouncy-bouncy with the same person/people or would we prefer to shop around a bit? The potential to deepen the bond with our regular squeeze after multiple-partner-sex encounters is enormous for those comfortable processing emotionally complex experiences.

Multiple-person sexual encounters are not for everyone, but neither is kale and plenty of people put that nasty stuff in their mouths.