Hide & Seek

I like to go to the park at the top of the hill by my house and sit on the bleachers and stare out at the city lights. This particular spot is the most peaceful place to visit when I just need to think, clear my mind, daydream, spend time with myself, but also be able to stay close to home. I'm not like most people ... I'm different. I guess my fault is I think and over analyze things. Take that as you will. There is a song called, "Hide & Seek" by Imogen Help and it's one of my favorite songs. I've been in love with the song since the movie, "Sweet November" came out back in 2001. The movie is about a man who meets a young girl full of life who unexpectedly is different than any other woman he has ever met. Sara reminds me of myself; her characteristics and her view on life are different than most people. Her attitude is so positive, innocent, despite everything she has been through. Nelson falls in love with her despite his wanting’s and previous heartbreak & failures. They have more in common than anyone he has ever met, but there is something in her life that prevents them from continuing their love (spoiler: she has cancer and is dying) and to make sure the memories of their love are never tarnished she leaves despite that fact that she loves him more than anyone she has ever loved before.

 My point is, you play hide and seek your entire life. Some days it's light out and some days it's not. You meet people that can impact your life positively or negatively. This often results in the behavior you choose to display towards others. You can give 110% and it just may not be enough...ever. You are challeneged and forced with decisions in your life that you must make which either make your life better or worse. I guess, only you can make that decision and only you can decide if you want to view the glass half empty or half full. Right now? I couldn't tell you how I'm viewing my glass because I am a confused (almost) 24 year old. You continuously ask yourself, "Where am I? What the hell is going on? What should I do? Is this path right for me?" It is human nature to seek other's approval and acceptance of the one's you love when you ask yourself these questions, but ultimately everyone makes their own decisions and you choose your own paths. We go through life making decisions and every decision affects our future. My entire life has been full of taboo decisions (none, which I regret by the way) but I've never ever changed my mind based off of someone else's opinion. Sometimes the outcome isn't necessarily what we wanted (or maybe it is?) because we were surprised by the fine print that came along with what we really wanted. The truth is, however our decisions leave marks on our internal walls and takes over our innocence and creates a sweeping insensitivity that affects the potential path of our future that we are supposed to lead because we as humans can not learn to accept the "ying" and "yang" of life. You only attract what you want in life, but fear is a major result in scars and holds you back. Sometimes, that attraction takes longer than the threshold of our patience, but it does eventually happen whether you subconsciously want it or not. Hence, why you meet and experience things in life unexpectedly.

I couldn't tell you exactly what this blog means because as I sit at the top of this hill I am wondering why the wind has been throwing sand in my face as if it is laughing at me and trying to convince me to feel other than what I'm feeling now. I can't help but always try to water the plants around me. I begin to think about the white and yellow flowers on my table at home that are wilting...I haven't abandoned them. They are just wilting against my will. They truly are beautiful despite the fact that they are dying. The wind continues to spit in my face as the sand sticks to my tears caused my the annoyance of the wind. I go back to thinking of the wilting flowers. If they are wilting, I should probably throw them out however they represent a value to me; a new life ... a happy life. Maybe if I water them, they will bloom again. 

The end.