What porn has taught me thus far

When you are absolutely sure of yourself and do not doubt your own plan for one minute, that is when you are doing something innately wrong.  It is when you question your choices and decisions, reflect on the consequences at hand, and reevaluate everything on your journey, while still feeling strongly about the path that you’re on, that you are moving in the right direction.  That is when you know you are engaging in something worth your while.  It’s when I feel the most secure in my process.

This last year and a half I have really and truly grown up so much.  Every day and every week I subtly grow into my own, changing into the 23-year-old me I have become.  I credit my interactions in the adult industry for all of the above.  I can genuinely say I never realized it would be such a dramatic life choice and so drastically transform many experiences I would embark upon.  From work, family, friends, societal and social interactions, love life, and more, porn has recreated my daily short-term and long-term perspicacity towards life.

 Most relevant to me is my treatment from society as a whole.  I don't like to generalize, so I want to make it clear I have had both very positive and very negative encounters in this realm.  More than ever before, I feel empowered to employ my freedom of speech and share my liberal attitude towards sexuality.  I go to UCLA, an open-minded school, which I’m very proud to be a student of.  The Daily Bruin student newspaper has released multiple articles on my career, and overall the campus is more then supportive of me.  This however is not an accurate reflection of how America feels about porn.

I specifically choose to surround myself with positivity and enlightened people, so I may feel more comfortable in my own skin.  Comments and opinions I hear on the regular will always bug me, but I have grown a stronger backbone and in turn become a stronger individual in my convictions.  Socially I often feel removed from the setting, as though I am a fly on the wall observing, even when I am part of the conversation.  I enjoy not revealing my career right away to people I converse with, choosing to take it all in first.  Working in adult has made me become more of a thinker and analyzer.  I’m intrigued with people’s thoughts and feelings regarding an array of subjects and my psychological interests have immensely peaked since I began performing.

With sex I have always been open minded and understanding of the fact sex is not black and white.  It’s a grey scale we are all partly born and partly socialized to be a part of.  Since starting in the business, my belief in this is even stronger, and now I have first hand experience I am so grateful for.  I like to consider myself still possessing strong morals, but my education and exposure to the sex business and sexual people have created a whole new understanding of life.  I feel like I’m in an exclusive society, and I know some coveted secrets.

Friendships are ever constant and transcending different barriers, while other times road blocked by them.  I have gained many and lost many.  The ones that stick around and the new ones that have formed are truly clear when I joined the adult industry.  The relationships that terminated are ironically some of the most pertinent ones I ever had because I learned so much from them.  Typically humans do not want to be associated with people who stand for and believe in things they do not.

Trying to learn from it all is another major life lesson I have acquired.  I took a political philosophy class my first year in college.  It was one of those moments that left me different—a recitation that left a significant impression on my character.  Many topics were discussed, but what I internalized was all of our life experiences we have gone through regarding nurture and nature shape the lenses we look through as individuals.  Therefore it gives each and every one of us such different perspectives on life.  Pornography directly correlates to this philosophy and reaffirms my beliefs: “We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.” ― Anaïs Nin