A blog to a friend.

(Written yesterday morning, posted up this morning upon reading ChristianSingsTheBlues.com)

Today has already been difficult. Immediately upon waking, there is a text from a dear friend of mine, Christian. I am not sure whether I will ever publish this, because of its sensitive nature. Not because it is sensitive to me, but because it will be for him. As he said, "this decision will effect every girl that has an opportunity to work with me" and as I said "its your decisions Christian that have created a situation where I don't feel comfortable working with you. It is my feelings and my prerogative. The way I feel will not effect other performers. What you choose to do with your dick will."

Now, I've been good friends with Christian for a while. A couple years in fact have passed. We got off to a rough start, but that's because I am a rough girl to get close to if you are as head strong and dry as Christian. The first time we hung out, I picked him up from the gym and he commented almost immediately on the cd's that were covering the roof of my car, which I thought at the time, was a pretty cool way to keep your cd's off the ground. Stick em on the roof. Well, Christian wanted to go to Tower Records, I took him, and he came out bearing a cd organizer. This was hard for me to swallow because we did not know each other that well, and I felt like he was already trying to change the way I run my life, and my cd collection. I laughed, never used his gift, and in the end, we ended up being friends because we live out our lives in very similar manners. We both do exactly as we want to do, with almost no regard for what other people say. When I say almost, it is because this small difference that came between us today. This morning. With his text.

"I'm going to very calmly ask you to tell me what you told LADirect."

I then got calls from other people saying that Christian had already contacted them in regard to the matter at hand. Oh wait, did I not explain what my problem is? Sorry....

I've known for as long as he and I have been friends that he likes Trannies. Never once have I condemned him for his choices, I've actually been proud to call him my friend because it takes a lot of courage to come out in this business and be honest and open with your likes, and sexual orientation. However, I for some reason thought that he was performing with them wearing condoms. This is what made it all okay with me to still perform with him. Recently, I found some DVDs where he is having unprotected sex with trannies. He says an AIM test should be good for anyone, and that my AIM test is no better than he/she's. I said that 80% of the talent performs outside of the industry, behind closed doors, and this fact alone makes me hesitant to work with a bunch of performers. He said

You don't think I would use a condom outside of work?

Me: It doesn't have to do with you Christian. Its that I don't use a condom outside of work (being that I'm only having sex with one person sans cam) and if I ever passed anything on to the ONE person I have sex with off camera, I would die. And I don't know what you do off camera, and I don't know what the trannies do off camera, and I don't know what any person male of female does off camera, and I sure as fuck don't care, but I know this. It probably isn't with aim tested people, and I judge what I think people do off camera by how they behave ON camera. And if 80% of the straight industry does shit OFF camera? What percentage am I looking at with Bi? With Gay? Why would you think it would be any different? This is a dangerous business we're in Christian, and you have to take every precaution to protect your health and safety that you can. All I told LADirect was that I wanted to use a condom with you. Not that I wouldn't fuck you.

Him: Well I will never use a condom. They are stupid and that's why we get AIM tested.

Me: Well then it's your choice not to work with me. Not the other way around. I'm sorry.

I cried through the entire conversation. Not because he was mad at me, but because he doesn't see the danger in swinging back and forth from both sides of the industry. Ask Chi-Chi. Or Jim Lane. Every big company that shoots gay shoots condom. EVERYONE. It's safe. It makes things more difficult yes, but I'd rather have a long day trying to keep a guy hard than catch the hiv. And most people who shoot gay only shoot gay, straight stays with straight. There just isn't much mingling. There is no homophobia in this statement, it is simply fact. When there is, it's a big stir, and Christian, and all the other male talent that have been "gay for pay" have felt the brunt of the criticism. And not that only gay or trannie performers pose a threat. Every single person in this business that has sex off camera unprotected is posing a threat to every other person in this business, whether or not they behave in the same manner.  Myself included. Everytime I have sex with Bossman without a condom, there is not only the threat of me giving him something, but also him giving me something. But I know where his dick goes, because he tells me, and I know that he uses condoms with other chicks if he fucks em, because he used one with me the first couple times we fucked. If I asked him to get a 30 day test, he probably would. No, he definitely would.

I cried because I knew with this decision, I would be losing a friend. I cried because my friend Christian doesn't understand the seriousness of his "do whatever I want" attitude. I do whatever I want, but never things that I feel will hurt other people, my friends OR enemies, and I never do things that I think will damage my career. Take weed smoking for example. While I realize some people may not agree with my choice to smoke, I will never chastise them for disliking me for doing so. But the only person I pose a threat to when I get high is me. Well, and my fridge. 

Christian doesn't see this as risky behavior. And everyone else I ask seems to feel as I do, "Do whatever you want" but if you wanna fuck TS? Wear a jimmy. You're right, my AIM test is no better or different than his. And I am no better or different than him. I just don't know him, or what he does when the camera isn't around. It doesn't have to do with Christians choices to fuck TS. It has to do with his lack of protection besides an AIM test, (which YES i know is industry standard). Christian's lack of understanding makes me feel like I don't know Christian either.

I'm not sure what kind of note we ended on. He said he has a lot of thinking to do, some self evaluation. I agreed. I'm not some (in his words dumb) 18 year old making a judgement based on what other little 18 year olds tell me, or what I heard through the grapevine. I'm certainly not being influenced by some outside party with bad intentions. Upon reading his blog this morning, I realized that Christian truly believes that I am not woman enough to make my own valid judgement calls, and that he believes I too, am weak willed enough to let someone outside of myself make a decision for me. I realized that once again, he thinks he is the victim. As Christian himself likes to say "I will never kowtow" to whatever porn politics he seems to think I let run my life. I'm MY OWN mature woman, trying to make MY OWN mature decisions. Trying to make smart, and safe decisions. And I don't agree with the decision he made to take off the rain coat. You can fuck whoever, whatever and however you want in this industry. But if you want to perform the day after, you better play your cards safe. As safe as you can. And this just doesn't strike me as playing it safe. 

(Post Script)

I was upset all day yesterday. Upset because I really lost a friend. And then I start talking to people around me, who help me realize that a true friend would never base our relationship on whether we can work together or not. Whether I want him to wear a condom or not. A true friend would understand that while we may have differing opinions, we can still respect each other's prerogative. And so I have a feeling that while I have plenty of people on my no list that I am still friends with, (take Lee Stone for example: I put him on my no list because his cock is insanely large. He has NEVER given me any shit about this. Sure, maybe a friendly jab here or there, but he understands my feelings, and would never claim that there is someone behind me telling me his cock is too big.), Christian will not allow himself to be one of these people. Its a shame. Because I honestly love the man, and I now see the ease with which he will remove himself from my life. The gusto with which he has been removing himself from the lives of every person in porn who ever cared for him. Because against his word, people in this industry WERE down for him, were ready to THROW down for him. Some people even defended him, myself included. Now, I will end up in the same category as the "ignorant girls" that won't work with him. 

But my decisions are not based on ignorant or stupid ideas planted by ignorant or stupid people. They are based on his actions, and now his refusal for action by simply refusing to don a condom. 

If someone requested a condom with me, I would never hold it against them. We all have to go home alone, and fend off scary thoughts of future sickness, or uncomfortable conscience. If a condom is what it took to make a man feel comfortable enough to be with me, even if I have a 1 day AIM test, I would never EVER want him to act differently. And I wouldn't blame him. I would probably have to reevaluate my actions and try to figure out what I've done that made him feel that way. But I would  understand that it is my actions that cause his feelings. It's all about being accountable for your actions. Sorry Christian.