Now that we’ve douched every thing we can….

I think cigarettes want to be my friends again. But I don't know that I want them to be. Its not fair, that they make me stinky and wrinkly, and coughy, and I just have to keep telling myself that they are liars, they are little blasphemous liars and they just want to hurt me. They do not want to play on a swingset with me, or go walking on the beach. NO. They are out to get me, and kill me, and no matter how many different ways they try to get inside me I must not let them. I must think of them as little death wrinkle sticks that smell bad. The death thing isn't really a big deal to me. So I will focus on the wrinkle smell stick. Anyway, on to the topic of the day....

I have now douched everything on my body that I can.

Allow me to back up a moment here, just a brief moment in time. To explain.

So I have been suffereing this terrible sinus infection, whole head is conjested, fucked up, clogged, nothing is working right, and the medicine that I took is all gone. I think that since I went to the porno doc and he gave me the generic Z-pack, it just didn't kill the shit inside of me. Thinking about going back for more. But I suppose that kind of plays into the whole "building antibodies that are even stronger, or helping the virus build immunity or whatthefuckever goes on inside my little streams of flowing blood to make it so when I take the medicine next time shit just doesn't work." Well I was about at my wits end, with no way to make this all better. Here is a list of medicine that I have been pumping into my body daily.

AM: 1 airborne tablet, 1 Emergencee, 1 mucinex, 1 azithromax,

Afternoon: 1 airborne 1 emergencee 2 tblspns of cough medicine with codeine.

PM: 1 airborne, 1 emergencee, 4 tblspns of codeine (yes there is a reason the previous blog made so little sense), 2 popsicles, 2 bowls and maybe an additional tblspn of codeine for good measure.

And by daily I mean for the last 6 days this is how I have been living. Sleeping, eating, medicine and soup and popsicles and sleeping some more. I haven't even had sex since last week, which is NOT to say I haven't masturbated, hehehehe, gotta do something when you're sick inside all day, I can only watch so much fucking Law & Order. So this whole time, the bossman has been telling me to go get this Neti pot, and I held off until yesterday for the following reason. Neti pot is this strange little teapot you pour up your nose, and it comes out the other nostril, its like a yogic sinus douche, and although I douche quite often, the first time is always the scariest. I will share my first douching experiences with you now.

First douche: Scene for CA Wildcats, with Gina Ryder. Gina came in the bathroom with me, upon request, and then instructed me on how to douche your vag properly.

Her: "You pour out the douche water that it comes with, pour in some clean bottled water cuz LA ag is nasty, and then shove it up there. Now squeeze squeeze squeeze and you're all done!"

Me: :Squeeze squeeze squeeze? Hmmmmm.....

So I squeezed my little heart away. Well, actually it was more like squeezing my little kiegel muscles away, because at the time I was squatting precariously over the toilet, and had inserted said douche contraption into said vaginal opening, and didn't realize that my squeezing was keeping all the water locked away in my little puss, and when nothing came back out into the toilet, confused as all hell, I stood to scratch my head in wonderment, and WWWHHHOOOOOSSSSSHHHHH.

Someone now had wet feet and a messy bathroom.

The first time I douched I learned a very valuable lesson. Its far better to sit while douching than squat. And squeeze the bottle,  not your pussy.

Anyway, I've heard of similar strange first time douching experiences all across the board. When I was in Maui shooting "Blazed and Confused 2" Jack Venice complained of some blockage in his colon area, and so we stopped at 7/11 to grab an enema for him (I know, 7/11 carrying enema's? I guess everybody has pooping issues), and we went to this bar right in the marina where we met out sailboat. We are in the bar drinking, and Jack decides now is as good as time as any to go try this whole enema, ass douching thing. He's gone for ten minutes. 20 minutes. 35 minutes, and we are getting worried. Finally after 45 minutes, Jack returns from the bathroom, looking a bit disheveled, and none the slimmer, with a story.

Jack: "So I didn't know how to get the water to go in my ass right? I mean it seems like you'd have to be upside down to make that shit go up there!"

Us: "yeah?"

Jack: "Well, I stuck it in my ass, then I did a handstand in the stall and tried to drain it all in there. So that didn't work...."

Us: "and then???"

Jack: "Well, then I did another handstand and this time I leaned up against the door and used one hand to squeeze and then the other to support myself upside down..."

Us: (laughing so hard tears roll forth due to the graphic image of Jack doing handstands in the mens room with an enema shoved in his ass) "And then????"

Jack: "Well, and then when I went and squeezed it all inside of me and stood back up and wiggled it all around inside of me, cuz I could hear it inside of me jiggling, when I went to shit it out, nothing came out but water!!!"

Us: bbbbaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

The funny thing is that Jack ended up having to shit all day the rest of the day, and we were on this dope sailboat flying over the pacific ocean, and here is Jack, straight outta Texas, and all he can think about is taking a dump.

I have only enemaed twice in my long life, as a woman and as a pornstar. Once is because like Jack, I was experiencing some difficulties in producing, well, product hahahha. And then the other time I used an enema was in preparation for a hot date, and I wanted to be filthy clean. Hhehhehe. Yes, I cleaned my butt once for you, because I was very nervous. But everything has worked out fine.  Thank GOD.

So this whole sinus douche experience kind of had me worried. I mean, what if I pour water up my nose and I drown and die? What if I forget that I am douching my nose and start to try and use it for breathing? I mean....what if?

Well, of course, being the tough woman I am, I went and got this little tiny tea pot, made for the specific purpose of putting up my nose, and I made the saline solution, and I leaned over the sink. And I read the instructions. There is a picture of this chick on the box and she is having the greatest fucking time douching her nose. This is how she looks.

Well, I didn't look half as happy. 

The box said you get better with time,  the more you do it, the better you douche? Fuck. Whatever. It made me feel better, and washed out some of that gunk. But I don't see myself smiling like this crazy nose douching bitch anytime soon.