Being Sex-Positive Doesn’t Mean We’re Fucking

The Word “Sex” Does Not Automatically Mean Intercourse.

If there is one term in the sex-positive lexicon that causes more confusion than “sex-positive,” I have not yet encountered it. Like that weird kid who doesn’t seem to fit in anywhere, “sex positive” is really, really misunderstood. Everybody thinks it’s a slut who’ll fuck anyone (except maybe them) when it’s so much more than and exactly that.

Sure, the sex-positive umbrella includes sluts who’ll fuck anyone except and including you. But it also includes asexuals who’d rather snuggle. It includes monogamous couples who’d rather go to counseling than break an agreement. It includes consensually non-monogamous individuals who’d rather craft a unique agreement with each partner. In its basest form, it includes anyone who believes that sexuality has value; that the truth about sex and sexuality should be readily available to learn, explore, express, and discuss without shame; and that consent is the bedrock upon which all sexuality rests.

Because the topic of sexuality is as vast and variable as living creatures are, there’s a lot to learn and a lot of diversity to learn about. This means that not everyone who identifies as sex-positive has the same focus, knowledge base, or even necessarily agrees with other sex-positive people on every topic, but the basics are not disputed. It’s nice to think that when sex-positive people have a disagreement, they handle it in a rational, civilized, peaceful, namaste motherfucker kinda way. Alas, such is not always the case. Being sex-positive is no guarantee that you’re not also an asshole.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of people out in the ubiquitous “there” who give assholes a bad name. They’re a perfectly delightful part of the animal body that provides an essential service that, when done properly, can be quite pleasurable. Sadly, for the asshole publicist, there are so many people whose personalities are constipated or worse that the reputation of assholes stinks. Given the law of odds, it’s invariable that any community is going to have its share of predators and creeps.

It’s tragic but inevitable that the loosely defined “sex-positive community” includes examples of what we preach against manipulators who leverage their power or influence to get what they want from people who do not feel as powerful or capable of influence, predators who move from prey to prey, liars who claim work or expertise that is not theirs, instigators who enjoy stirring the pot of gossip, boundary pushers who accuse others of being uptight, and educators who do not behave in honorable ways.

In other words, despite our laudable and elevated goals and aspirations, we’re mostly just a bunch of people trying to muddle through life while doing weird shit with and to our bodies that feels good and causes as little harm along the way. We may have taken every tantra class known to tease a lingam and it’s not a guarantee we learned anything of value. Pick-up culture does exist in all areas, from the church picnic to the sexuality workshop weekend with the vegan brunch.

The difference, in my mind, is that a sex-positive thinker is more likely to have access to the tools necessary to handle life’s little hitchhiking mistakes, altar boy incidents, marital mishaps, sex work struggles, porn consumption confusion, and uncooperative secondary sexual characteristics.

So, back to our original question, which wasn’t a question so much as a statement made in the headline of this blog update. If I say that I’m “sex-positive” does that mean we’re going to be fucking soon? Does it mean I take on all cummers? Do I have no boundaries, no limits, no preferences, no right to be treated with respect and dignity?

No.

Saying “no” doesn’t mean I’m “sex-negative.” It means I respect myself enough not to compromise my values and, hopefully, I am able to express that in a way that does not unnecessarily shame or humiliate the other person. I can be the biggest monogamous whore my partner has ever dreamed possible. I can talk about the finer points of anal-digital stimulation and the prostate until the cows come home. I can engage in the ancient rite of sex work without feeling an ounce of guilt. I can ask for what my pussy wants instead of hoping my partner is psychic and can figure it out on their own.

And if I can’t do those things, I can unapologetically locate people and resources that will help me figure out how to do them. Information wants to be free and so do I. Knowledge is power and sexual knowledge is some of the most powerful. Being sex-positive allows me the opportunity to grow in so many different directions and ways while accepting, ideally understanding, and sometimes even celebrating, the ways and directions other people are growing.