Negotiating with the Pizza Dude

Porn is Refreshingly Transactional. Life? Not Always So Much.

As I may have mentioned a few times, I’ve watched a lot of porn. Like, a lot. I didn’t have cataracts before I started watching porn professionally. Now I have them on both eyes. Let that be a warning. During those many, many years of careful academic study, I have noticed that a few professions have a higher likelihood than others of being depicted as open to some degree of sexual negotiation over money matters.

For instance. While the erotic potential awaiting in the pornographic funeral director genre is still untapped and should probably remain so, those in the trades do not infrequently find themselves either frolicking among themselves or with people unable to pay for their services. Or, if it’s a grudge fuck scene, with someone they find particularly annoying. Clients who refuse to pay up or keep changing their minds are good examples.

Here, for your reading and possible fapping entertainment, are a few of my favorite transactional porn employment options. You know, so you’ll have something to consider on career day at school.

Pizza Delivery Dude: If there’s a more cliché porn job than pizza delivery dude, I do not know what it is. When I lived in a groovy old apartment on Hawthorne Blvd., I had a heavily tattooed Tommy Pistol-like delivery boy arrive at my door. My first thoughts were “I know how this is supposed to play out.” Alas, I had enough money to pay for my pizza and could not in good conscience try to negotiate something sexual in exchange. Frankly, I find it hard to believe that a pizza delivery driver is so rich or so desperate to fuck poor women that they’ll pay for a pizza just to get a bit of pussy. But I’ve been wrong before.

Plumber: “It’s the plumber. I’ve come to fix your sink.” It starts out innocently enough. A skilled tradesman arrives at the house of a beautiful, horny, and neglected woman with the full intention of repairing an appliance or patching up some pipes. Somehow, they wind up laying pipe, instead. Sometimes in the bedroom, sometimes on the kitchen floor or counter, sometimes on top of the washer or dryer. Variety is the spice of life and fucking a plumber is potentially one of the spicier things a woman can do. So, shower afterward. Or at least pee. 

Cable Installer: This is an older trope and has pretty much gone out with the advent of sending people their cable equipment direct to the consumer instead of sending a technician to install it. Back in the olde days, however, there was always the taboo hope that the hot guy fiddling with the cable hardware would consider fiddling with your wetware. These resulted in more traditional porn sex locations like the living room couch and even the occasional bed. I’m not sure if the installer is supposed to be able to add channels in exchange for servicing the wild MILF or it’s just supposed to be an honest case of horny meeting horny, but it’s just not the same when the 

Doctor/Nurse: This one has always been a hard sell for me because I’ve spent more than my fair share of time in hospitals and dealing with medical providers. There is nothing less sexy than being in a hospital tended to by stressed out, over-worked, under-appreciated angels of mercy who are not wearing racy lace or latex nurses’ dresses. That grim reality aside, the idea of being utterly vulnerable and exposed before a doctor or nurse has a certain erotic appeal to it that no other profession can claim. On the other hand, no other profession has such ready access to so many pervertables! 

Office Worker: Let’s face it. When it comes to porn sex, if there’s a flat surface, someone is going to fuck on it. And if a secretary has anything other than sexual harassment claims to file, she has a desk with a flat top and no real paperwork or office machinery on it. This is a truth that can also be found in Loss Prevention Officer porn. I’m assuming someone does research on what the weight-bearing capacity is on these things because some of those tables look like they’re going to buckle under the strain of two or more people using it like a sexual jungle gym. Also: dress codes for office attire sure have changed since I worked in an office. 

Massage Therapist: And finally, we have one of the most pornographically misrepresented professions of them all, which is probably part of why it’s such a hot fantasy. Licensed Massage Therapists are so afraid of being associated with sex work that I’ve been unable to get one to offer their services free of charge and devoid of any intimate contact during any of my parties. Given that I’ve been throwing sexy parties for more then 20 years, that’s a lot of polite rejection. Nonetheless, the idea of the LMT as massage parlor worker is a persistent one and often presented as part of a pornographically erotic spa experience. They never tell us where these lusty resorts are located, though. Or did I miss my invitation in the mail somehow?

These are, of course, only a few of the mainstream careers that can be pornified with ease. They’re a few of my favorites, although there are many others because the human imagination is nearly infinite. This makes me wonder why there’s so little porn featuring the ever-so-enthralling, thrill-a-minute whirlwind that is the porn reviewer’s sex life. Oh, that’s right! Because we don’t have them. We have deadlines, instead. Kiss, kiss.