Is Non-Monogamy for You?

It’s a Hot Fantasy. Is the Reality Worth the Effort?

Whenever I give a presentation on non-monogamy, I am asked to provide assurances to couples that their bonds will survive anything that gets thrown at them.

I can’t.

Couples break apart for their own reasons every day, monogamous and not. Becoming one or the other doesn’t magically change the likelihood that those involved are compatible for the long or even short term. It’s a hard fact that nobody likes to hear because we want love that feels good and holds value to last. We like to plan for the future. We crave a certain degree of stability along with our erotic exploration. But even during our quest to experience expansive love or sex, most of us want to continue to feel important to any original partner we might have.

All of these things are possible within both monogamous and non-monogamous unions. The secret is largely dependent upon the people involved, their creativity, sense of self, communication skills, willingness to adapt, and perhaps most importantly, to experience occasional emotional discomfort. Oh, and to not expect to get laid left and right just because they put out their shingle and are open for business.

There are a lot of reasons people act upon their non-monogamous urges.

Like matrimony, people enter a state of non-monogamy for many reasons, some of them well-thought-out and some of them more impulsive. Ironically, neither is a guarantee of success or failure since so much depends upon the things mentioned earlier. Blend those with whatever Fate has tossed our way via health, finances, and general circumstances and there is an endless array of inspirations for loving or fucking multiple people concurrently instead of sequentially.

Swinging, for instance, is generally entered into by couples with no intention of splitting and every intention of either having multiple-partner sex encounters, swapping partners, or enjoying some time alone with a friend or friendly stranger. No strings. No stalkers. No games. Just good times.

Because it’s “just sex,” those who enter “The Lifestyle” may have misconceptions about what to expect from themselves or their partner while cruising or after successfully bedding someone or multiple someones. Jealousy and insecurity are common foes and can appear at the strangest times. One of the best ways to adapt to the new reality that is swinging is to embrace these uncomfortable emotional experiences as the inevitable “learning experiences” that they are. To not examine our responses or motives is to be controlled by them. If what we want is on the other side of our fears, then we have to pass through our fears to get to what we want.

For many of us, those fears exist within ourselves and are the result of years of experiences that have led us to where and who we are today. For better or for worse, we are who we are, and sexing someone other than our normal partner, or their sexing someone other than us, may rattle us more than expected. And that’s okay. It may not even matter whether our swinging goes well or poorly. Until we’ve done something, we can only speculate about how we’ll react to the doing. That’s why it’s important to be open to personal learning and growth, wherever they may lead.

Before beginning a trip down the rabbit hole of non-monogamy, whether sex-focused or romance-inclusive, it needs to be understood that shit happens. Mistakes will be made. Feelings will get hurt. Self-esteem issues will pop up. Communication will break down. Unauthorized emotions will bloom. Because of this, forgiveness is important, but so is a genuine dedication to accountability and compassion.

What is not important is keeping score.

In part because of the law of supply and demand, men often have a more difficult time connecting with interested women than the other way around. Whining is not sexy and doesn’t make women more uninhibited. Sometimes women are not interested in quantity, however, and that can freak their male partners out.

I once had a husband and wife march up to me at a Lifestyles Convention in Las Vegas. The husband was convinced his marriage had a swinging problem because his wife wasn’t as interested in getting done by other men as he was in doing other women. In his mind, she was refusing to cut loose. In her mind, she just didn’t like the available selection. They clearly had very different ideas about what they were doing and why. Ideally, they would have seen this as an opportunity to have a revealing and hopefully deeply bonding conversation about their desires, priorities, and limits.

Not everyone does non-monogamy the same. That’s because we aren’t all the same. Nor do we, or our partners, remain the same throughout our shared lives. Because of this, monogamy can be challenging. Libidos cool. People cheat. Interests evolve. Physical and emotional needs can change. Divorces are not uncommon. For some, expanding the relationship structure to accommodate more people can help take some of the pressure of living in a real-world relationship off and introduce a sense of community as well as sexual fun and even romance.

Recreational sex and committed multi-partner love relationships are very different in many ways, but each is an opportunity to meet people, enjoy their social energy, and grow stronger as a person and a partner as we address our own demons. But there are brutal truths to face in order to weather the rough patches that come with any relationship, let alone one that steps outside of the bounds of so-called propriety.

You can’t do non-monogamous relationships without putting in effort and then realistically expect success. The good news is that we get to define “success” based on our wants and needs, which can change as we age and as the circumstances of our lives change. However, we choose to define it, the chances of “it” happening in a way that feels good, healthy, and sustainable increases if we make not merely getting our dicks or pussies wet a priority, but also put improving our interpersonal skills and our personal self-knowledge at the top of our To-Do lists. Unlike our annual New Year’s resolutions list, we need to actually follow up intention with action on our non-monogamy list.

Getting laid is the easy part, but it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Love them or hate them, non-monogamous relationships include multiple people. The health, longevity, and pleasure to be found in them and the larger communities that they exist within depends upon our willingness to do the kind of personal work that helps us unlearn ways that are toxic to non-monogamy.

Sometimes that means changing the dynamics of a pre-existing relationship. This may mean adding a partner. It may mean ending or adjusting an intimacy. It may mean choosing to live by ourselves. The options, depending on our circumstances, can be nearly endless. We certainly have more of them than we were raised to believe.

Whatever the configuration, the good news is that the tools necessary to make this a smoother, more equitable process of transition are available at workshops, in books, and online. Searches for “responsible non-monogamy,” “swinging,” or even “polyamory,” will lead to authors like Tristan Taormino and her book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships; Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton’s The Ethical Slut, now in its third edition; and Eight Things I Wish I’d Known About Polyamory Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up, by Cunning Minx just for starters.

Can I or any of these books or their authors or any presenter or speaker provide assurances to couples that their bonds will survive anything that gets thrown at them during their exploration of non-monogamy?

No.

We also can’t guarantee that their monogamous heterosexual marriages will survive. After all, life changes us in ways we can’t anticipate or prepare for. The best any of us can do is put honest effort into the work necessary to live our dreams while accepting that their reality will require flexibility and a regular assessment of priorities. Most importantly, practice kindness and mindful forgiveness of others… and don’t forget to save some of that good stuff for yourselves because eventually, it will be our turn to fuck up.