Porn Review Haikus

Porn visionary Gram Ponante plumbs the hidden depths of DVD box covers and returns for another week's worth of smut reviews for those with a literary bent. Or severely attenuated attention spans. (Or both.)

Everything you wanted to know about soon-to-be-classics "Cum Catchers 2", "Hole Collector", and "Shane's World #36: Snow Trip"—in seventeen syllables—after the jump.

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Porn Review Haikus
by Gram Ponante

Genesis Skye is
The Antwerp Exchange of Cum
Redistribution.

The study of economics began with the evolution of the barter system. Smash Pictures
Cum Catchers #2 returns to the early days of trade, particularly the swapping of like for like. Each of the ten featured actresses in the title (which begins where the last episode left off) re-gift the semen that was originally deposited on her person.

Like mother birds feeding their young, Jenaveve Jolie, Samantha Ryan, Michelle Lay, and others feed cum to their hungry and eager partners after coaxing the substance from a third party. This process is known as "retail".

The system breaks down, though, when the cum drooler receives nothing in return from the cum droolee. Except, you might say, for respect. But respect doesn
t buy you a house in Canoga Park; only your boyfriend
s series of nuisance lawsuits can do that.

. . .

Right there on the card:
"I'm your anal overlord!"
Dig the embossing.

There may be 4000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire ... but there
s only one in Phoenix! Both Lauren Phoenix and Lexington Steele have been dubbed the top adult performers in their respective gender categories by everyone from AVN to CosmoTeen, so their scene in Hole Collector marks a career milestone for these two promising young artists.

Unlike hopeful-themed Hollywood titles like Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins, porn movies can be designated as "series" even before the first one is released. Such is the case with Hole Collector.

. . .

Cold white mountaintop—
I shoot a load in the snow.
Is it truly there?

Like the works of Professors Tolkien and Lewis, Shane has populated her own world of fantasy and allegory. And like the Flowers in the Attic series, Shane
s World still bears the creator
s name long after she abandoned the business and moved back to Riverside County.

And what C.S. Lewis was for Christianity, Shane is for snatch.

This 36th episode of SW (the namesake herself hasn
t been in one since Episode 19) takes place on a snowboarding excursion to Mammoth Mountain. Though adult films can be shot in a day and released three weeks later, there must be something extra special about this one for its release to be delayed until a Memorial Day weekend that threatens to be 90 degrees here in Porn Valley.

The first SW was released in 1996, and the setting was a trip to the desert in a motor home. The series threatens to continue until the mountains crumble and the world is remade.

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Previously: Porn Review Haikus Archive