Porn Review Haikus

It's Monday, and you know what that means: time to kick off the week with another burst of poetic effluvia from porn visionary and Fleshbot resident poet laureate Gram Ponante, who tells you everything you need to know about 1st Strike's "Built For Filth", VCA's "Kill Girl Kill 2", and Mercenary Pictures' "SuperWhores 1: Collector's Edition"—based on their box covers, and in seventeen syllables each—after the jump.

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Porn Review Haikus
by Gram Ponante

. . .

"Built for Filth"
(1st Strike)

Audrey Hollander,
(Not one to be coy) declares,
"I crave a pounding."

Some people need to bite into a cookie to release a flood of memories. All I need to do is look at the cover of 1st Strike's "Built for Filth", with its fleck paint on the front and 25 discreet images of porn girls doing what they do best, enporning, on the back, and I am taken back 25 years, to a childhood that didn't actually happen, when I put down the fleck-painted toy boat that defined my youth and used my Strawberries gift certificate from Christmas to buy The Who's "Face Dances", with its 20 individual renderings of the band, and Iron Maiden's "Number of the Beast", on which the song "Charlotte the Harlot", about a hooker with a heart of gold who somehow wins over Bruce "Air Raid Siren" Dickinson enough to compel the Maiden frontman to take her home for good and make an honest woman out of her, makes me think of similar schemes one might perpetrate on Audrey.

Then the feeling passes.

. . .

"Kill Girl Kill 2"
(VCA)

I'm a mopey girl
Who just got her Chucks fucked off—
That keeps happening.

The cover of Eon McKai's "Kill Girl Kill 2" looks like the ransom note Travis Bickle might have sent to Iris Steensma's pimp in an alternate version of "Taxi Driver" had Jodie Foster's character been played by Yumy. In fact, Rob Rotten looks so much like Travis Bickle on the cover that I'm hoping he really bulks up for McKai's next film, "Raging Bull"-style, then squanders his talent in a series of family-friendly porn films where he makes XRCO bids as a retarded man, a Guntanamo army officer, and, of course, a ronin.

. . .

"SuperWhores 1: Collector's Edition"
(Mercenary Pictures)

For a prostitute
To gain superhuman strength ...
She must be special.

In his lab five miles below the Santa Susanna Mountains, Lexington Steele has used forbidden science and special moisturizers to create "SuperWhores 1: The Collector's Edition".

The idea of collecting porn videos like Fred Sanford used to collect old porcelain fixtures creates images of specially-designed shelving units, humidity-controlled rooms, and porn insurance, but I'm sure there are people with that kind of cash.

The original "SuperWhores" is owned by Lex' previous company, Red Light District, so adding some stills galleries and a behind-the-scenes loop for a Mercenary-controlled "collector's edition" is a good idea.

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Previously: Porn Review Haikus Archive