DVD: “The Princess Has Come of Age”

In addition to a highly addictive and odorless form of synthetic cocaine, one of the many things slipped into my pocket at the recent Adult Faire in Las Vegas was "The Princess Has Come of Age", an Italian-made space opera in which a comely CGI princess has to choose between several unlikely comers for a prize whose value seems dubious. In short, just like the adult industry in general. Explore the final frontier after the gap.- G. Ponante

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"In a far away galaxy a princess as soon as she comes of age, has to choose an husband."

The story behind this movie is that several Italian CGI artists decided to create a porn movie as a means of kickstarting their company. It should come as no surprise to anyone who has popped sheepish wood to any female Disney character that animators, having no access to real women, tend to create excellent fake ones.

The princess in this tale is the best kind: a naked humanoid space princess.

We get right into the action in a pentahedral space station that would be familiar to anyone who has ever played Quake 3. Our princess, who looks like a combination of Gumby and Natalie Imbruglia, emerges naked into a lobby area off of which five spaceships have docked. Inside each spaceship awaits a suitor who must please the princess sexually in order to gain her hand in marriage.

There is a bit of breathy "Speed Racer"-style overdubbed dialogue, but fortunately our heroine is ready to go and already undressed so the ET-fucking begins immediately.

Her first boyfriend is a house-elf looking deviant with an adjustable schlong. At first the princess laughs at him, but he soon services her quite handily after a blowjob. It is comforting to know that, even in space, all porn begins with a blowjob.

Not explained to the audience is if this is, in fact, the princess' first sex ever. If this is truly her deflowering, she's already pretty good. One assumes she learned her technique at a space Montessori school.

Next up is a cross between the Iron Giant and OCP's evil prototype in "Robocop". Here our princess must cope with several attachments in several holes at once, but she takes all of them like a champ.

At this point I think the machine has the advantage with the princess even though it is clear that theirs would be a relationship without intimacy. The previous scene's gnome just looks common.

Her third partner is a big plant. I can't see how that could ever last.

The princess' fourth prospect is a silvery "I, Robot"-style lesbian who services her in zero gravity. This is all fine, but everyone knows that sex dies early in lesbian relationships, even in weightless ones.

I assumed the final contender would also be humanoid and the princess would make the safe decision and stay with her own kind after sowing her oats with the Mos Isely crowd. Instead Bachelor Number Five is a monstrous thing that shoots two penis birds out of its mouth who do all the work for him. I doubt she could really be happy with him, but at least she is polite.

Throughout the movie I wondered about the princess' parents. Where the hell were they?

By this point I was at the edge of my seat. Whom would the princess choose? I was hoping for the machine, because at least he was clean ... but I was not prepared for the ending!

In short, "The Princess Has Come of Age" is a short movie that plays like the experiment it was, and is ideal for background viewing. Or, better, as the contents of a secret room of Castle Wolfenstein.

· "A Princess Comes to Black Widow" (press release @ thebluepages.com)

· "The Princess Has Come Of Age" (streaming video info @ gamelink.com)

· Black Widow Media (blackwidowmedia.com)

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Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive