Best of Sex Advice

Nothing reflects the sexual zeitgeist of America more than the hundreds of sex columnists plying their trade in newspapers, magazines, and websites; like a vast echo chamber for the sexually bewildered, these columns also allow concepts like anal bleaching to burst out of obscurity and into the lingo of the sniggering mainstream. Through the magic of out-of-context quoting, we bring you a highlight reel of the week's best questions and answers—so when the conversation turns to breast fetishism, the relative kinkiness of Jews vs. Gentiles, or being turned on by men farting at your next dinner party, you have no excuse not to jump in with your new-found wisdom.A. Tolesco

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The Boston Pheonix, Bowl Games:
I have a sexual interest in the sounds of men using the toilet. There are several restaurants very close to my home, and I hide a wireless telephone headset in an inconspicuous place in the bathroom. I can then record, from my home, the sounds of men farting and defecating. My husband is aware of this and tolerates it, but he believes that this is unacceptable behavior, as it infringes on the privacy of others. I believe that no harm is done.

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PuckerUp.com, Anal Advisor:
About 6 days ago, while having anal sex with my girlfriend, I had an odd thing happen: it felt like I hit something sharp inside her ass. It was not a painful feeling, just sharp, so we continued and had no other problems. Two days after this incident, I noticed a red mark on the head of my penis, in the exact spot where I
d felt that sharp sensation. The mark doesn
t hurt, the area has not been any more sensitive than usual, and I don
t feel odd otherwise. As the days passed, the mark seemed to be healing, however now I realize that it looks like it is leaving a scar. Have you ever heard of anything like this happening before? What could I have hit inside her that could have scarred my penis? I am uncircumcised, so I have a fairly sensitive penis, but this is definitely not a lube allergy, it
s more like a cut. What do you think it is and what should I do?

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Andrea Nemerson, alt.sex.column:
Men, it turns out, have the capability, under various extreme circumstances, to produce small amounts of milk. Nobody, to my knowledge, has succeeded thus far in actually nourishing a baby this way (most of the men discussed in articles are ill, starved, or otherwise in extremis), but the estimable Jared Diamond, in a fun Discover article not only thinks men can, he thinks men will. This seems like sorta bad news for those of us who mildly fetishize sexual dimorphism but I can't see it being bad for the species, or for exhausted new moms, so I'm all for seeing where it goes. Evolution, it's like father's milk to me.

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Nerve.com, Miss Information:
I've always been into guys. But after the breakup of a long-term relationship, I've found myself attracted to women as well. My problem is I can't stop staring at women's breasts. I feel like a twelve-year-old boy! Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it. And I'm obviously not being very covert about it because I've noticed women occasionally covering their chests by crossing their arms. Any suggestions on how to stop doing this?

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DearAmy.net, Sex Advice for the Modern Player:
Are Jewboys as kinky as Goyim? Most of the really kinky guys I
ve been with were Goyish, especially those freaky ex-Catholics. We Jews have just as much guilt as the Catholics but not as much about sex. So whadya say?

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The Stranger, Savage Love:
To all those folks out there who aren't interested in sex: Getting married
or civilly united or shacking up
is like buying a cow. You know going in that you're going to have to milk the thing. But unlike an unmilked cow, a spouse
male or female
won't just stand there in a field and suffer. A spouse is a cow with a credit card, a job, and a car. If you don't milk the cow you married, your cow has the means to go out and find someone who will. If you're fine with that, for God's sake tell your cow. If you lose interest in sex but want to stay married for the kids, friendship, or financial security, apologize to your cow and tell 'em you'll do them the courtesy of turning a blind eye if they'll do you the courtesy of being milked discreetly elsewhere.

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TimeOut Chicago, In&Out:
I don't know about you, but I am not going to restock my entire drawer of lingerie simply because those items once ended up on a previous partner's floor. Lingerie is expensive and, as many women will testify, a favorite bra may exist in your life for longer (and be more supportive) than some men. So maybe let the guy keep the lube. It's not like the lube itself has been previously used by other women and then dripped back into the bottle. It's brand-new lube. All that said, if it truly grosses you out to know that he's using lube from the same bottle that he once used with another woman, then buy him some new lube.

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Thumbnail via The Virtual Typewriter Museum: Vintage Typewriter Erotica