Marital Aid Review: A Hundred Tongues

There is something Lovecraftian about Adam & Eve's description of its Helmet Hugger: "HUNDREDS of busy, tingly tongues inside lick tirelessly at your penis head and upper shaft," the copy reads, as beasts that comply with non-Euclidean geometries wait just outside this dimension to devour me. Our learned review after the gap. - G. Ponante

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While we thought Ripley blasted away the last Helmet Hugger in "Alien: Resurrection, this red or blue device does indeed hug the helmet like a fitted sheet filled with tiny refugees.

For those of us vanilla types who don't put anything on our parts other than the occasional Helen Reddy 45 (we like to spin "Leave Me Alone [Ruby Red Dress]" backwards), the sensation of a hundred tongues is like imagining the congregation at one's God-ordained wedding throwing blowjobs rather than rice.

Thumbnail photo of Adam & Eve covergirl Carmen Luvana just because.

· Helmet Hugger (adameve.com)

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Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive