Marital Aid Test Kitchen: OhMiBod

For several years I have wondered when there would be a viable MP3 player/phone/contact manager/camera when instead, tucked away in a New Hamster laboratory, scientists have been perfecting the iPod-compatible vibrator.

I received an OhMiBod at this summer's Dildo Convention and have been honing my playlist ever since. Tune in after the gap for some thoughts by an actual lady.
- GP

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Fabled and faithful assistant Miss Trixie assumed the position.

"Now look here, Miss Trixie," I said. "Just fucking relax."

I had carefully selected several slow jamz, Sousa marches, and a lot of my more erotic spoken word efforts for an iTunes playlist that would have made Jesus Christ Himself give up His day job. I then plugged the supplied Y-signal splitter into my 4th-generation iPod's headphone jack, plugged in a pair of earbuds to one jack and a cord attached to a standard vibe into the other.

"Lie back, baby," I said, "and would it kill you to pull your pants down?"

The OhMiBod responds to signals the way those darling novelty Coke cans did. We started out with AC/DC's "Highway to Hell".

"Ooh!" Miss Trixie said over the music, and then settled in as the vibrator buzzed and thrummed.

"It's not as sensitive to the beat as you'd think," she said. "But - wow - here's the drums."

She noticed that the device picked up vocals better than instruments.

"Try something with really loopy vocals," she demanded.

I switched over to the Focus classic "Hocus Pocus".

"I love this song," she yelled. "But it's not doing anything special when he yodels."

She grabbed the iPod and flipped around herself, noting the responsiveness to the guitar in Jeff Buckley's version of "Hallelujah" but that Leonard Cohen's original was doing it for her. That Canadian lawyer still has it.

She flipped over to Jim Carroll's "People Who Died" (this is why we're together). "Once it gets going, it just hammers away," she said, which I thought was a criticism. "Not that that's bad," she added. Was she talking about me?

Whenever one talks about dildos, one must needs mention Steely Dan. We put on "Peg" but it felt too on the nose.

"Miss Trixie," I asked gravely. "Could you come with this alone?"

"No," she said. "It would have to be a delicious part of an otherwise nutritious breakfast. And it's so pretty. It's a very pretty piece of equipment."

"But it will never take my/your place," we said together.

· OhMiBod (ohmibod.com)

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Previously: OhMiBod (Preview), Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive