Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Granite Rock Hard Stone Dildos

AR - Archaeologists need to do more research on what the cave people used as masturbation tools. Think of it as an exploration in evolutionary anthropology: as soon as early humans figured out the whole fire thing, getting naked became no big deal, and the ladies probably had a little free time to experiment while their men were out hunting mastodons or whatever. Of course, I'm too impatient to wait for research findings that involve people crouching in the dirt scrabbling for phallic-shaped pieces of flint with which to diddle themselves, so I'll just have to let my imagination be sparked by these highly polished granite dildos instead. Could these be the sorts of things our ancestors got off with before the advent of silicone vibrators and Betamax tapes?

The variety of materials for sex toys today is pretty astonishing, but sometimes there's just nothing like some good old fashioned rock humping—which is what you'll get if you decide to add one of these artifacts to your bedside fun drawer. If you like it hard, you really can't get much harder than rock (where do you think the phrase "rock hard" comes from?)—and even though there are other stones that are harder than granite, there's still something appealing about a dildo that not only can be used as a weapon, but also really hurts if drop it onyour foot by accident. (It makes a great paperweight: the cock and ball model weighs two full pounds!

If you're down with romancing the stone I suppose you could always go out into a quarry and search for the perfect size and shape rock to get busy with. Or you could just pretend to be all primal and get one already sculpted into a cock delivered to your door. Ah, the wonders of the modern world: the more things change, the more they stay the same.
- AR

· Cock and balls and Granite twist (erosboutique.org)

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Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive