The Return Of The Best of Craigslist

We talked it over with our therapist and he says we're doing very well. So well, in fact, that he tells us we're finally ready to re-enter society ... the society of mental and sexual depravity that is Craigslist. You see, wading into the mire of Rants and Raves, Casual Encounters, and Missed Connections can be fun&mdas;but spend too much time in there, and it can become a brutally violent beatdown on one's psyche. We have the emotional scars to prove it, but after taking a much needed break to pull ourselves together, it's time to resurrect this semi-regular feature and pull back the covers on the worst best the classified interweb giant has to offer. We're ready for you, CLers. Bring it on!

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The Best of the "Best of Craigslist"

· There's A Banana In The Tailpipe (Washington, DC)

Slowly, I get it deeper. Then, as I begin to make some real progess, the weirdest thing happens: I begin to feel like a slut. And I like it. My slutty instincts taking over, I realize I need a better angle if I'm going to get this bad boy all the way in me. I roll back onto my shoulders so my ass is sticking straight up and it helps. And of course, this position makes me feel even more slutty. This is weird. This is awesome. I realize that if I was a woman, I would likely be the biggest slut on the planet and I would love it. I strain and grunt, trying to shove this giant banana into my ass. By way of historical context, I will note that I have enjoyed having a few girlfriends who diddled around down there while giving me head (ladies, in case you didn't notice, it felt _good_), and have even done the same while beating off. But this was a whole different ballgame. It hurt. It required serious concentration to keep the door open and relaxed. I began to have some genuine admiration for those pornstars and their amazing sphincter control. And as a result of my competitive nature, I was compelled to get that damn thing in. The more I pushed, the further it moved in, and the sluttier I felt, and the more it hurt.

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· Missing: 10 panties of various colors/states of disrepair (San Francisco)

(1) Disgruntled and mistreated, my underwear decided it was time to run away from home. If this was the case, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you were so upset. I miss you and the way you always kept me warm and safe. You made me feel comfortable in your soft, cotton embrace. I tried to be fair, changing my underwear everyday so that each of you could feel wanted. Perhaps it wasn't enough. I have asked the two panties that remained behind why you all left, but neither of them is saying a word.

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· re: I think it's hot - 28m (Detroit)

Surprise somebody! Figure out how to be interesting without getting into every position you've ever seen in all your pornos, every single time you have sex because you know what happens when you do all those positions every time? They get boring. Predictable. Do something else! Here's some help: women have thighs, areas behind the knees, shoulders, backs, toes, tops of the feet, forearms, hips, wrists, ankles, outer sides of the breasts, hair, butt cheeks that are good for more than smacking. There's a backside to that neck and it's a lot more sensitive than the right and left sides.

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· Thank you for folding my laundry, please stop having sex. (Los Angeles)

Now recently I've noticed a man that made my high school geometry teacher look like Don Juan parking behind your car in our lot. He terrifies me and tucks his t shirts into his khaki pants that are hiked way too high up on his twinkie loving gut. The image of you two in the same room haunts me, but please...
Please...
For the love of Sweet Baby Jesus...
STOP fucking him when I'm home too!!

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· Casual Definitions Of Casual Sex (San Francisco)

However, for the meek at heart, beware. These are the realtionships where fetishes, fanatsies, and pure unadulterated hedonsim occurs, and it's expected. This is the time for her to try drinking the blood from a wound on your lower belly while she jerks you off, because those bloody vampire movies tunr her on in a way she's not ready to deal with. This is the time he'll be into trying threesomes, or more. Do not be offended if he wants to share you, you are his favorite toy, and it's a mark of honor that he's comfy with it. Indulge.

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· Oh, the men I have met off CRAIGSLIST... (San Francisco)

I'm well dressed, play a little guitar, always drama free, and am friendly. and...I'M SINGLE AND I WISH I WASN'T!! ...

A friend of mine met a pretty impressive nsa buddy on Craigslist, and I figured "Well, Try everything once right?" nope.. WRONG! ONCE TURNED INTO ME BECOMING A TOTAL CL CE ADDICT!! ...

26) STEVE: Army boy. Why did you want me to pee on you so bad? Sorry man, wasn't into it. You did know how to go down on a girl though! After a while, you got upset that I wouldn't pee on you and dropped me like I was hot.

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The Rest of Craiglist (These posts expire after one week.)

The San Francisco mayoral sex scandal, deconstructed. You can't find solid political analysis like this just anywhere.

· Gavin scores lots of hot ass, why should he go to rehab? (San Francisco)

He's rich, powerful, partying it up, knocking back cocktails, and best of all, every night he's balls deep in hot poon! Good on ya, Gav! I'd be doing the exact same thing if I were a big city mayor

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· Credit Cards and Prostitution (Montreal)

In Canadian jurisprudence, prostitution isn't really illegal; it's the communication that is illegal. Mind you, trying to get people to become prostitutes or importing individuals to work as prostitutes etc. is quite heavily punished (see s.212, mentioned earlier). The reason why prostitution isn't legal in Canada is because it doesn't need to be. 98+% of prostitutes are not of the street-walking variety that arouses the ire of the public. Most work in brothels or for organized call-girl (or call-boy) services. As long as the exploitation isn't too extreme and the attempts at solicitation aren't too obvious --

The fact that prostitution remains illegal is not because of crooked politics or payoffs or Hollywood-style back-room shenanigans.

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· Older women are like mustard (Manhattan)

Older women are like mustard: there's a time and place for mustard, but not everywhere (i.e.: ice-cream). Quite a few times I have fucked older women When I was 16 my girl friend at the time was 24, When I was 26 I was fucking a 47 year old broad. I would date women my age, but they were bland in bed, probably because of inhibition. Older women love boy-toys, they lose their inhibitions, and they want to teach them some. Now that I am 44, and my girlfriend is a 25, I find it gross to touch a woman who is 40 or older than that! YUK! Not to mention all the fucking emotional baggage they come with. I prefer fucking 20-something women, they are firm and fresh.There you have it! Older women are GREAT when you are young, once you get to be a bit older, they are fucking gross!

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· Turning out straight girls (Seattle)

I'm wildly attracted to a woman whom I don't have anything in common with, and she identifies as straight. From the time we first met, I felt an incredible physical/chemical attraction between us, but found it nearly impossible to talk to her. We've become friends, I've made it happen. The more I learn about her, the more evident it seems to me that she is attracted to women. She will never say it, but all the signs are there. I've put my lust on the shelf so that I could be her friend. I'll admit that I had alterior motives before, but now I just want to be her friend. I feel like she needs my friendship, someone to show her that it's okay, whatever "it" may be. I hope that someday she can be happy. I am endlessly fascinated by this woman. Her beauty, talents, mystery. It would be a huge waste for her to never truly know herself. Besides, I feel I'd finally be able to look her in the eyes if I could have just one kiss. I don't know if the attraction is reciprocated. I'm afraid I'll become too obvious and blow my cover. I am completely enthralled and confused. She's brilliant, and I think she's onto me. I think she likes the attention, I think she likes that she makes me nervous, and can disarm my facade of arrogants with the slightest smirk.

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Previusly: Listpic: Craigslist Picture Viewer, Scandal!: The Craigslist Experiment