DVD Review: Everything You Wanted To Know About “Kim Kardashian, Superstar” But Were Afraid To Watch

March 22, 2007
GPONATE2

Will Kim Kardashian be the new Vivid-Alt contract girl? Will she appear on Showtime having girly pillow fights with Dana DeArmond, Charlotte Stokely, and Sunny Leone? Is the complete movie title ("Kim Kardashian, Superstar featuring Hip Hop Star Ray J") the porn version of "Scandal Featuring Patty Smyth" or the band that did "Head to Toe"? Do we actually see the star of this porn movie naked in this porn movie?

The answer, after the gap, is "Nope!" - GP

- - -

Kim Kardashian, Superstar featuring Hip Hop Star Ray J

Studio: Vivid

Director: Ray J.

Cast: Kim Kardashian, Ray J.

Review by Gram Ponante

The only reason I watched this movie was because I personally like full-figured Armenian women under 30. Everything else, which means the marketing and "Kim Kardashian, Superstar" et al. itself, is a waste of time.

As porn movies go, KKSFHHSRJ fails on two levels. In that both Kim and Ray J acknowledge the audience (Kim: "No aerial shots, please"), it is a gonzo movie. But even the worst gonzo directors don't feature the camera strap more than the star. Vivid recently released the "news" that Ray J was offered a directing contract. Should Eon McKai, Paul Thomas, and Laurent Sky start throwing in boom shadows to keep time with the company's new direction?

It also fails as a sex movie, because we don't see nearly enough of the purported star. Kardashian is camera-shy, never fully nude, and always in bed. The tease never arrives at a payoff—and by the time the movie is over, we don't care.

As a porn performer, if not a director, Ray J has a future. He's got a big dick and he brings Kim off with his mouth. At the very least, we have an idea that she's not faking it. The couple also have good chemistry, though not good enough for Kim to take her bra off or for Ray J not to sell the tape.

The viewer is left with very valid comparisons: At least Tommy and Pam were in the sunlight on a boat. At least Paris got filmed by the Mossad. At least Tom Sizemore can rap.

We don't yet know the real story behind how the Kardashian tape got into Vivid's hands. We'll get the data eventually. But even that curiosity is not enough to make this movie worth its hype.

Compare this to another high-profile Vivid project, the World of Wonder/Showtime series "Debbie Does Dallas...Again". While blatantly contrived with real people playing stock reality show characters, the series is very engaging, satisfying and titillating. And the movie it is marketing will undoubtedly do well and hit all the marks a feature porn needs to. If WOW producers Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato did a documentary on how the Kim Kardashian video ended up in the hands of a soon-to-be-disappointed public, that bit of supplementary material might make up for the lack of boobs in the video.