Beejing in the New Year

At an unusually foggy Fleshbot West, we rang in the New Year in the hilly hipster haven of Silver Lake. And though we weren't working, we paused to reflect on the calming effects of blowjobs.

Eric had hosted this party for years and it had become the victim of its own success. "I know less than half the people here," he said. But the drinks were plentiful and there was enough food to sop them up.

I have to admit there was tension in the air, though. People can get edgy when the time of year suggests self-inspection. A woman who could have got away with it in her dancing years was drunk and belligerent; a guy I saw the day before and knew to be born and raised in Chicago was affecting a French accent.

But that was a tiny percentage; everyone else was on the make but in the nicest way possible. This is what happens when you get past 30. Or at least that's what I think will happen in 12 years...

A woman who got a little weepy about saving dogs talked to me very earnestly, then started hiccoughing. I saw my chance.

"Do you need to be ... palpated?" I asked.

"Yes."

And her hicccoughs disappeared. I felt like Jonas Salk must have had he been two bottles of Jagermeister deep and just as far in a dogophile from Pasadena.

But it was not to be.

As the party thinned Eric came to the back yard and announced that some douchebag had stolen his iPod, probably one of the majority of the unknown guests. This put a damper on things, but briefly, because then Eric disappeared, not to be seen again for the rest of the party.

I asked my friend where Eric went.

"He's in there with Danielle getting his New Year's beej," he said. "It's been happening since 2006."

I thought: I cured her hiccoughs so she could give another man a blowjob?

Worse than that, it was 4 a.m. and all the consolation prizes had driven back to Koreatown, Echo Park, and [shudder] Ojai.

But it was right that that happened. Eric had thrown a fantastic party. That someone stole his iPod was unforgivable. Yes, he deserved that blowjob. He deserved it.

But does Craig Valentine in "Immoral Orals," in which he holds a camera while being fellated by the likes of Sunny Lane, Nina Hartley, and Devon and Kelsey Michaels? Sure he paid them for it, but does he deserve it? I don't think so.

But maybe someone stole his iPod.

. . .

· Stunner Studios (stunnerxxx.com)
· Buy "Sunny Lane's Immoral Orals" (xonair.com)