Really? “You’re Nailin’ Palin”? You Betcha!

October 21, 2009
OTTIMO-MASSIMO

This just proves that we always love to fuck the ones we love to hate to fuck to love to hate.

You're Nailin Palin: Interactive Adventures of a Hockey MILF

Studio: Hustler Video
Director: Axel Braun
Cast: Lisa Ann, Alexis Texas, Jay Lassiter, Chris Charming

In the Venn diagram of life, this movie represents the overlapping glory of Lisa Ann's strengths: she's done Sarah Palin, and she's done interactive porn. Have you done either of these things? If not, this will be a learning process. To begin with, thank your stunt-penises, Jay Lassiter and Chris Charming, for representing you so aptly.

You materialize in Governor Palin's office, where she promptly asks if you would like her to take her clothes off. If you say yes, she will. If you say no, angry red and black letters will inform you: YOU ARE NOT A MAVERICK!!! It's not as if you have total control. Try as I might, I couldn't get Sarah to put her clothing back on. I couldn't un-fuck her. Interactive porn is less like playing God and more like playing Cyrano de Bergerac: you forever strive to get laid.

And laid you get. You progress through the event tiers-teasing, masturbation, foreplay, oral, vaginal, anal-picking and choosing your favorite positions, until you finally give your stunt-penis license to cum. Once you're done with Sarah, Miss California (played by Alexis Texas) pays a visit to conduct an experiment "on the evils of homosexuality." Oh, satire! Thy name is lesbian scene.

In the Behind the Scenes footage, Alexis admits she doesn't know why she's playing Carrie Prejean, but that does not detract from her performance. Research be damned, Alexis fits in perfectly into the symphony your penis is conducting, joke and stroke. And just in case you forget which state representative you're pounding, she keeps the sash on.

Somehow, I feel that the interactivity helps the parody. Acting is reacting, and when it's just you and the jokes (and the sex), you can guffaw or groan or masturbate however you like. Overall, the humor suits Sarah. It's not that difficult to imagine the almost-VP launching dirty commands between pun-heavy innuendos. Personal favorite: when you're about to do her doggie-style, she says, "Why don't you fuck me like a sled dog so I can say I-did-your-rod?"

Of course, we can't forget to thank Lisa Ann. Her comfort in this role is apparent, and her embellishments are magical. After you share some particularly raucous cowgirl anal, Lisa Ann will smile and adjust her glasses ever so slightly. You will filibust a nut.

Why am I so into this? I don't know, but I'm positive I'm not the only one. It's been nearly a year since the election, and everyone is still just as excited by the idea of boning Sarah Palin. She's America's MILF. Years from now, future civilizations will unearth this ancient porno and realize they've discovered one of the sacred texts that make up the Cult of Palin.