Rice, Toast, and “Unseasoned Players” Are Good For Digestion

Kagney Linn Karter isn't bland. Not by a longshot.

Unseasoned Players

Studio: Tom Byron Pictures
Director: Tom Byron
Cast: Kagney Linn Karter, Brooke Lee Adams, Giselle Ibiza, Gracie Glam, Sammy Grand, Tom Byron, Mark Zane, Mikey Budters, Sascha

So, Tom Byron sits there, interviewing the girls, looking a bit like John Tesh, and you just get the feeling that everything is going to be ok. This movie is a spin-off of his "Seasoned Players" series, but instead of veteran actresses and MILFs, he's showcasing rising stars who he believes have great potential. There are five scenes; what you see is what you get.

Yet there is something notably different between the way one enjoys "Seasoned Players" and the way one watches "Unseasoned Players." With the former, you get Tom Byron (or Sean Michaels on that one occasion) interviewing someone with hundreds of films under her belt, chatting and laughing, and then fucking with equal comfort and vigor, like old friends reuniting.

If "Seasoned Players" is a high school's 20-year reunion, "Unseasoned Players" is like the prom: everyone is slightly awkward but determined to have a good time. The interviews are stilted, as Tom reads off a questionnaire and the girls respond timidly (save for Brooke Lee Adams and Kagney Linn Karter, who are both excellent conversationalists). The sex itself is good, but there are many instances where angles and postures have to be corrected, and the editing gets jumpier than a Godard film.

Gisele Ibiza is the least experienced of the bunch, as her scene with Sascha was her second scene ever. Watching her makes me realize that I watch too much porn. Little things stand out: she moans when there's nothing to moan about, she enunciates her sexual advances, she chews gum through a blowjob, and she says "that's hot" rather often. But you know what? The minute Sascha moves her hair out of the way, you discover that she sucks his dick like she's storing up for the winter. You can't find enthusiasm like that just anywhere.

Brooke Lee Adams is slightly less enthusiastic than the others. Her interview is amazing, and genuinely interesting. For example, she's got a great story about doing a foot fetish shoot in which the director made her smoosh cheese with her toes and then eat it. Sadly, she is largely stoic throughout her scene with Mikey Budters. The only time she becomes vocal is towards the end when Mikey finds the sweet spot spooning on the couch.

Gracie Glam and Sammy Grand also deal with some minor awkward moments, but are both enthusiastic and fun to watch. The more girls you see, the more it becomes clear that the lexicon for the inexperienced is subtly different than others. The new girls ask "You like that?" while the veteran stars assert "You like that." I like it both ways just fine, frankly.

By the time you get through all the girls, Kagney Linn Karter looks like a master fuck-artist. Sure, she hasn't yet been in 100 movies, but she exudes as much confidence as any professional. Watching Tom fuck her on his gaudy, gold bed is just like watching him fuck…anyone really. I actually didn't find her scene that remarkable. I will say that Kagney is more comfortable having her face seasoned than the other girls are.

To my knowledge, there's no boot camp for pornstars, so it's fascinating that Tom Byron would create a series that calls itself neither amateur nor superstar. Each of the girls has something unique to offer, and if you could combine them, it would create the ultimate porn actress. Since you can't, consider "Unseasoned Players" a long montage that will lead each girl to glory.

· Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)

Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)
Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)
Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)
Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)
Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)
Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)
Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)
Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)
Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)
Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)
Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)
Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)
Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)
Buy "Unseasoned Players" (evolutionerotica.com)