Babysitters Are the New “Barely Legal”

The wholesale franchising of our beloved Uncle Larry's brainchild continues this week with the release of 'Barely Legal Babysitters' – a heartwarming tale that will leave your genitals feeling like you just date raped a York peppermint patty.

So just when you thought that there were no really good taboos left for porn to legally exploit, that pretty much everything had been fetishized and spanked to, overfarmed to such gross lengths that nothing short of taking an electric sander to your nether regions was going to get a response, Hustler bounces back with someone you forgot to yank your crank to – the babysitter? Duh! How did we forget her? It's so simple, so wholesome, that we must have overlooked it while we were thumbing through old stacks of National Geographic's and Mexican gore magazines.

Devious genius Will Ryder brings this Barely Legal gem to the light of day, packing the maiden launch of this spin-off with a cast sweet enough to induce a diabetic coma. London Keyes, Madison Scott, Mya Mason, Tawni Ryden, and Zeina Hart take turns being the exploited slash sexually curious help for hire, which works out nicely, since they are all pretty used to being paid by the hour for their services.

We are convinced that absolutely no one loves cock more than Madison Scott. Watching her ravenously Hoover up cock into every tight and tiny lubricious crevice on her body is enough to give anyone pause, even hardened pornographers like ourselves. With the face of a very young girl juxtaposed against a woman sized rack of ample proportions she manages to inspire most of the sexually depraved emotions we require to dig deep down into our innermost parts and really surrender to that body wracking, mind halting orgasm. Watch her perform is like watching a sexual exorcism, we're kinda of terrified but we can't look away because we are rock hard the whole time.

On that score, we are kinda feeling like maybe she isn't the best person to leave in charge of your children. None of these little barely legal nymphomaniacs are for that matter. We have no doubt that they will neglect your kids, rummage through your wife's jewelry drawer, try on clothes, drink your booze, call their older boyfriends and their friends to come over and hang out and pull trains on their filthy, whorish asses. Yeah, we said it.

Once again Larry's got us thinking that we we're needing is what he's selling. Ah capitalism...it's such a clever trick. 'Barely Legal Babysitters' releases next week but since we are super cool and drive crazy amounts of traffic they gave us an exclusive sneak peek to share with you now. We believe it was Gene Simmons who said it best when he screeched "lick it up!"