Syd Blakovich’s Guide To Rough Sex

Turned on by rough sex in porn—but worried that bringing it into the bedroom might get someone hurt for real? We turned to MMA fighter and queer pornstar extraordinaire Syd Blakovich for advice. Her thoughts below.

Fleshbot: How did you get into rough sex? Was it something you always knew you were into, or did you discover it through a partner?
Syd Blakovich: My initial encounters with rough sex pretty much happened all around the same time. When I began my porn career, I was working for a fetish wrestling site where the loser gets fucked hard by the winner and strap-on. Typically I won and was asked to perform rough aggressive sex with my on screen partner. Funny enough, it came pretty naturally. One of the things I notice about working in porn is that there is this back and forth transference between on screen and off screen sex, they both affect each other. My personal life also started to become more infused with rough sex, and I started to explore more BDSM at that time, along with having more experiences with various partners. You always learn something from every experience, I believe. More tools in the tool box, more ways of relating I suppose.

How was your first rough sex experience? Did you do any prep to get ready for it?
You know, I can't recall exactly when it was, because I think there's an element of rough passionate to a lot of types of sex and it's hard to say when the first time that was. I mean, sometimes it can be just the look in someone's eye when they are fucking, some hair pulling, or a good solid hand around the throat. Aggression and passion intermingle with awesome results at times. The best prep is just being attentive, to yourself and partners. The more you know, practice and talk about it all, the better you get and more places you can go with it all. I am trained in Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai boxing, so I take my experiences from these sports and find ways of integrating this into my body awareness and impact awareness, what's dangerous and what is safe.

What's the biggest difference between rough sex on camera and rough sex off camera?
On camera rough sex is interesting, because a lot of the negotiation and boundary talk is done beforehand, in light of creating a smooth visual performance. However, the actions themselves are more disjointed because of the stop and go and cuts that are needed for camera and editing. In between these edits is when performers check in about how things are going, but you miss this when you're watching the final product. Off camera rough sex is more of a mixture of aggression and compassion for me, because you get those checking in moments to see how your partner is doing, if they are enjoying themselves. I think rough sex can be really fucking sweet and caring, because of the attention paid and awareness that is shared. There are some elements to this in on camera, but they are generally not included in the videos, which I think is a little bit of a disservice. On the other hand, off camera rough sex sometimes misses the early pre-sex checking in.

When you're about to engage in rough play with a new partner, how do you prepare that no one gets hurt in a bad way?
If you're having rough sex with a new partner, I recommend checking in beforehand about what everyone's boundaries are, and what the wants are. Keeping it simple is the best way to go, because sometimes are eyes are bigger than our stomachs so to speak. Explore one element of it, have fun, don't take yourselves too seriously but definitely have respect for boundaries and triggers. It's better to error on the side of too light than too rough and checking in a little after is also a great idea. It never hurts to stretch either ;) Oh, also hydration is a good thing, so keep a water bottle and lube bottle by the bed.

Are there any misconceptions about rough sex that you'd like to dispute?
I touched on it before, but I think that rough sex can come from a really sweet and loving place and not necessarily from anger. I personally don't think at this time in my life I would have rough sex with someone who I was really upset with. Although I definitely had this happen, where sex became a means of expressing anger or upset, emotional landscapes tend to play out everywhere. Sometimes it's really hot and perfect, but sometimes it's inappropriate. You have to be really on it and decide when it's good for you and your partner. I think sex is a communication between people and can be a mixture of feelings and thoughts, but should also be an open space for each person to contribute to in their own way whether it be taking a pounding or biting or whatever. There should be something in it for each party, like you are giving each other really awesome gifts! Sex is a vehicle for dialog. I can say "I love you" through fisting, but you can also say a lot of things. I think the way we often look at sex is very limiting at times and sometimes the best way to understand it is to keep an open mind and try things while also really understanding your own body and mind.

And lastly: any tips for civilians looking to get into rough sex? Any resources they should know about?
Aside from the above tips, I recommend Jay Wiseman's book SM 101, specifically the part on negotiations in the beginning, because I think it is totally applicable to rough sex as well.