Sugar And Spice And Jizz And Itching Powder: “This Ain’t Bad Girls Club XXX”

Are these girls really that bad? Sure, they prank each other, fight, and use crude language, but maybe they just need love. In lieu of that, maybe the producers could throw a handful of dildos into the mix.

This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX

Studio: Hustler
Director: Skye Blue
Cast: Misty Stone, Angelina Valentine, Alyssa Reece, Katie Kox, Andy San Dimas, Lexi Belle, Tyler Knight, Dane Cross, Ethan Cage, Chris Strokes

Even if you pretend that men and women represent equal parts of the porn audience, Hustler doesn't exactly try to cater to female pornographic tastes (at least to the extent that other studios try). All of a sudden, they've made a parody for "Bad Girls Club," the most-watched series ever dreamed up by the women's network Oxygen. Where is the overlap between the Oxygen-watching audience and the porn-watching audience? How does Hustler pick the shows they want to parody?

If you've never seen "Bad Girls Club," it's essentially "The Real World" for girls who have nasty attitudes and love to fight. A little YouTube research suggests that the entire hour-long show consists of women calling each other "bitch," "slut," and "ho." The porn parody merely places those insults in the endearing context of dirty sex talk.

For example, Misty Stone and Alyssa Reece start off talking some significant trash, but their tongues get quickly tied up with other jobs. Alyssa tries to hold a dildo in her mouth and ram Misty with it, an endeavor more complicated and goofy than it is arousing. It's fine that Alyssa Reece only does girl/girl scenes, but she seems oddly hands-off when she does them. Misty Stone however, is an ass-slapping, nose-plunging pussy eater and obviously loves every minute of her work.

It seems like Misty was the only girl who had a fun time making "Bad Girls Club XXX." The first scene has Andy San Dimas fuck her visiting boyfriend, Dane Cross, and while they're both great performers, they had absolutely zero chemistry. Andy's intensely fake moaning is an instant turn-off. I understand that hyperbole is the name of the game, but save it for the hair pulling and name-calling. Lexi Belle also seems to beg for a career change during her scene with Ethan Cage. One minute she's a filthy-mouthed vixen perched on Ethan's slithering tongue, and the next she's silent and withdrawn. It's not really my place to criticize anyone's face, but Ethan's mug is clearly the source of Lexi's taciturn twist.

Sound problems plague this movie, but nothing is as tragic as the poolside tryst between Katie Kox and boom-operator Tyler Knight. It's devoid of sex noise! Maybe it was a windy day and the sound was ruined, or maybe someone forgot to hit record. Whatever the reason, all you can hear is fake nature sounds and the same horrible techno track that plays over every damn sex scene. It's really a shame too! Katie makes the most adorable fuck faces as Tyler slips in her pussy from behind! And even though her orbs are too ample to accommodate titty fucking, they laugh off their efforts in a way that shows how much fun they're having.

The only solid bit of sex in this film is when Angelina Valentine—the baddest of the Bad Girls—pushes Chris Strokes against a pool table and drains his balls dry. Even then, it seems to fly by with the same three positions. Plus, Angelina screams and speaks in tongues when Chris jizzes on her face, and we have no idea why.

"This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" is a big bucket of "Why?" questions. Why do people keep parodying reality shows? Why did the sound disappear from that one scene? Why does Alyssa Reece keep getting work? Most importantly: why would anyone watch this?

· Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)

Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "This Ain't Bad Girls Club XXX" (tlavideo.com)