“Avatar”: The Erotic Experience

3D smut is aight, but if you really want a truly immersive experience, you need to pair your porn with thematically appropriate Fleshlights. Case in point: "The Ultimate Alien Fantasy" with "This Ain't Avatar XXX" and the new Alien Fleshlight.

There's been quite a lot of hype around this movie, and not just because it's the first porn flick you can buy packaged with an accompanying piece of interplanetary pussy. Axel Braun is constantly working, striving, pushing parody porn into new realms of naughty nostalgia. So how did he do with this "Avatar" parody? Eh, not so well...

This Ain't Avatar XXX

Studio: Hustler Video
Director: Axel Braun
Cast: Misty Stone, Nicki Hunter, Chanel Preston, Danica Dillan, Jasmine, Julez Ventura, Chris Johnson, Evan Stone, Lexington Steele, Dale DaBone, Eric Swiss, Danny Wylde, Alec Knight

When Axel Braun has enough time and money, he can do amazing things; the Batman parody he did came out of his own pocket, and it was awesome! I assumed that Hustler knew that, and as a result, would give Axel everything they could to make "This Ain't Avatar XXX" a shining example of what porn parodies can be. Something must've gone wrong because "This Ain't Avatar XXX" is horrid. Maybe Axel only cares when he's spending his own money?

Here are a few issues that make this movie unbearable:

The plot: Everything starts off on track—General Evan Stone tells his troops that the ultra-rare mineral they've been mining is an aphrodisiac, and this seems like a decent way to blend porn with Pandora. But after he uses a couple pills of the Viagratinium to open Danica Dillan's ass, all mention of the stuff disappears. The rest of the plot barely parallels James Cameron's movie, and ends on a weird note. After a mad Na'vi orgy with Misty Stone, Chanel Preston, Julez Ventura, Lexington Steele, and Dale DaBone, Misty tries to make Chris her pet. You can't even enjoy the plot for being stupid. It's mediocre.

The lighting: So Pandora is mostly rainforest, and rainforests have dense canopies that block out most sunlight. Great. Way to choose realism over visibility. And while the atmospheric effects make humans look dark and edgy, the dark blues of the Na'vi barely stand out, and it's hard to tell one thigh from another. In fact, there's a symbiotic relationship of lameness between the lighting and...

The 3D: Surprise! It sucks. When are people going to realize that purple/amber 3D is the way to go? Red/cyan is nothing but an anaglyph headache, and anaglyph headaches are automatic erection killers.

The disappointing tryst between Jake Scully and his Na'vi lover: Chris Johnson finally gets a moment alone with Misty Stone, and the two blue lovers want to unite as one. Misty grabs each of their tendrils and is about to unite them, when suddenly Chris pushes her head down to his waist, saying, "This is how Sky People connect." After she undoes his loincloth, it goes downhill from there. Misty Stone got down dirty and slapped her naughty Na'vi butt, but Chris Johnson gave almost no enthusiasm to the scene.

Maybe I'm being too harsh; Axel does care about his work, and certain facets of the movie were just awesome. They include:

Make-up: Make-up artists Lee Garland and 2-Ply did fantastic work. If there's any way you can hire them to help you with your Halloween costume, by all means, give them your money. The ears, noses, and cheekbones of the performers looked so much like the CGI from the real movie that we're willing to overlook the pink, human penises of the Na'vi. (Er, maybe not. Couldn't they have just used blue condoms? Anything?)

Nicki Hunter: Nicki delivered red-hot (er, blue-hot?) performances both as a sassy scientist (after Sigourney Weaver) and as a sensual Na'vi dreamwalker. In my opinion, the best scene in the movie is when Chris Johnson—the Jake Scully of the team—won't wake up from his avatar nap. While the lab rats panic, Nicki pulls down his pants and starts furiously sucking his cock. Chris wakes up, but Nicki keeps going, and starts taking off her underwear; "I have to follow protocol," she says as she rubs her wet pussy up and down Chris's shaft. He doesn't get off his back once, and yet it's some of the dirtiest, most rambunctious sex we've seen in a long time, all from one determined cowgirl.

Evan Stone: Put him in anything.

Pros and cons aside, the only thing that matters in porn is the sex. Across the board, the hump enthusiasm in "This Ain't Avatar XXX" is at an all time low for feature films. Maybe it's slightly amusing to see one of those cat-faced girls blow a big pink penis, but all the humping is mechanical and dull, and the amount of genitals you can clearly see is unfathomably low. You can literally count the fappable moments on one hand. This issue begs the question: when am I supposed to use my Alien Fleshlight?

Oh yeah! The iridescent sapphire Alien Fleshlight texture with matching royal blue case, I almost forgot about that.

There were a few times during the movie when I whipped out the Unidentified Fuckable Orifice for a close encounter of the masturbatory kind, and having done so, I don't think it really adds anything to the experience. There aren't any POV moments in the film, and the alien sex is so uninteresting that I find myself unwilling to project empathy onto the characters. None of this is the Fleshlight's fault.

Honestly, I kind of love this Fleshlight. Sure, it's blue and has two alien clits, but who am I to judge? The Alien texture is a combination of three other sleeves. First, there's the Vortex canal, a sinewy swirl of ridges that turns one's cock to soft serve. Next, there's a tiny Lotus node, considered the most crucial part of the ultra-realistic Lotus texture. Once past that tight node, there's nothing but inches of the Stamina Training Unit, a tunnel of soft bumps that Fleshlight offers to men who need to over-stimulate their junk so they can last longer with real women. This Alien vagina does not fuck around. It feels marvelous.

And frankly, boning one of these is no weirder than boning Stoya's imitation vagina or any of the other Fleshlights. Divorcing the sex sleeve from human genitalia means you don't need to question how realistic it is or isn't, and allows you to focus on the various, delicious textures engineered for your pleasure. The Fleshlight isn't quite as abstractly inhuman as anything Tenga's come up with—and yes, you're still getting intimate with a Big Gulp—but it's easy to enjoy once you get past how goofy it all is.

My recommendation: buy the Alien Fleshlight, get some good ol' two-dimensional porn, and pray that James Cameron goes bankrupt and starts looking for work in the adult industry.

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· The Aliens of "This Ain't Avatar XXX" Naked (hustlermagazine.com)
· Buy "This Ain't Avatar XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
· Better yet, buy Alien by Fleshlight (fleshlight.com)

Buy "This Ain't Avatar XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Images courtesy of Hustler (hustlermagazine.com)
Buy "This Ain't Avatar XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Images courtesy of Hustler (hustlermagazine.com)
Buy "This Ain't Avatar XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Images courtesy of Hustler (hustlermagazine.com)
Buy "This Ain't Avatar XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Images courtesy of Hustler (hustlermagazine.com)
Buy "This Ain't Avatar XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Images courtesy of Hustler (hustlermagazine.com)
Buy "This Ain't Avatar XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Images courtesy of Hustler (hustlermagazine.com)
Buy Alien by Fleshlight (fleshlight.com)
Buy Alien by Fleshlight (fleshlight.com)