“This Ain’t Lady Gaga XXX” Isn’t A Bad Romance, It’s Awful

What are Lady Gaga, Larry King, Ron Jeremy, and Sarah Palin doing in a porn together? Absolutely nothing. They have no reason to be together and yet—because Gaga happens to be one of the biggest pop culture powerhouses around—Hustler and Axel Braun thought they could include anyone who's ever been in the limelight.

This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX:

Studio: Hustler
Director: Axel Braun
Cast: Helly Mae Hellfire, Rihanna Rimes, Aubrey Addams, Raylene, Ron Jeremy, Scott Lyons, Marco Banderas, Marco Rivera, Tee Reel

We've had a couple chances to look at "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" over the past weeks, but I've finally watched the entire film (and the behind-the-scenes footage) and I'm happy to say that I think humanity will be able to live on.

But will Helly Mae Hellfire be able to endure? Even the DVD cover seems to dislike her, noting, "She wants to show you her blowjob face!" The backside of the case continues the abuse: "All the single ladies, put your twats up! The Lady gets the Disco Stick!" Hands down, this has to be the worst thing ever written on a box of smut: "Baby, she was born this way! Hot, horny, & with a mouth full of cock!" Did no one at Hustler think that was in poor taste?

It would be silly of me to complain about the musical aspects of this parody again, but in case you haven't been keeping up with our analyses, here's the short version: they're not good. The "Telephone" spoof sounds like the real thing, "Born This Way" should've been "Porn This Way" and Axel Braun called it "Porn Today" instead, and the "Bad Romance" spoof is cringeworthy. Also, the trailer contains all of the music that the full movie does. Maybe there are a few more seconds of the "Bad Romance" spoof during the credits, but otherwise it appears that Hustler blew its musical wad way too early.

Of course, parody porn isn't just about silly songs: there's also a plot! And people having sex! How exciting.

The movie is split up into four vignettes that borrow from moments in Gaga's career and facets of her public character. The first scene is about the filming of the "Telephone" video, and all of the drama that goes down when Gaga (Helly Mae) tells Beyonce (Rihanna Rimes) to get her "fat black ass on set right now." We already discussed why this is a stupid plot device, but again, to recap: it never happened, it doesn't resemble anything that did happen, there was no reason for the line to mention race, and it doesn't relate to the argument that follows. The two pop icons have a fight about the legitimacy of their artwork, and Gaga says—as she does throughout the movie—that she is a songwriter/performance artist and Beyonce isn't.

When Beyonce starts fighting, Gaga gets flirty, pushes her against the prison bars, and starts smearing Beyonce's black lipstick everywhere in a most unflattering manner. The rest of the scene is a lesbian snoozefest: one girl takes charge, the other doesn't move, sometimes noises happen, eventually they trade places or switch positions. The worst thing about this scene is that Beyonce calls out "Gaga" during sex, and the real Lady Gaga told Anderson Cooper that she prefers to be called Stefanie in bed. The best thing about this scene is the use of Hustler's Disco Stick. It's just funny to me that they have a toy called that, and I would've even been happy if Helly Mae mentioned it. She didn't, but that's cool.

Next, Larry King (Scott Lyons) is interviewing Gaga about her fight with Rihanna. As the movie drags on, Helly Mae's Gaga seems to get bitchier and ditzier, taking longer to answer Larry and droning in a valley girl accent. (Isn't the real Gaga from New York?) Larry King doesn't much ask questions anyway, he's busy being an old man, talking about his farts and his prostate until he decides to jump Gaga's bones. Larry's makeup is horrifying—it's like he stretched out kielbasa lining on his face—but I'd much rather watch bits of shmutz flake and fall off his chin than pay attention to the unenthusiastic spooning happening on screen.

All of a sudden Raylene shows up, imitating Sarah Palin, to talk about the gays. This prompts Gaga to talk about how gay republicans aren't gay enough for her, how she loves gays and being a gay icon, and how she's a gay man trapped in a woman's body. Then Ron Jeremy (played by Ron Jeremy) notes that he once had sex with Gaga in a bar and grill, and even though I prayed to God that we wouldn't have to cutaway to that encounter, the next thing I saw was Lady Gaga masturbating in a the bathroom of a bar and grill. Fortunately, Ron only signed up for an oral sex scene, but he talks throughout the entire thing—even when he's eating pussy! And Helly's responses are limited to giggling, moaning, and humming! I'm all for respecting your elders, and Ron Jeremy can be a delightful addition to certain films, but the man needs to have less facetime because his jokes are anti-aphrodisiacs. With less commentary, I might've been able to enjoy the massive load that he left in Helly's mouth and the way it dripped down her chin. If only!

The last scene starts out with Kanye West (Tee Reel) presenting a nameless award to Gaga and getting interrupted by Madonna (Aubrey Addams). Madonna calls Gaga a "fucking plagiarist" and claims "the gays are my fans. They're my fans you act stealing bitch!" Kanye pulls the ol' Taylor Swift special and calls himself the greatest artist of all time. This little hissy fit fest would've been hilarious six months ago! Kanye disappears and the girls break bread backstage by fucking the security guards, Marco Banderas and Marco Rivera. The majority of this foursome isn't even a foursome; it's two couples having sex on a couch next to each other. Gaga eventually leans over to lick Madonna's ass and that sets off some partner swapping, but the fact is that Marco Banderas looks bored throughout the whole thing. We have never seen him look that way before and yet here he is, fucking with all the slow resignation of a Latino glacier. On a separate note, why wasn't Tee Reel involved in this? It seems like a waste of talent.

Really, this whole movie is a waste of talent. The random cameos from Raylene and Tee Reel are cute, but when the erotic core of the movie is as rotten as this, dangling additional performers in front of us feels like an insult. This might be willful ignorance, but I'd like to believe that this movie isn't the fault of the people in it. For example, Rihanna Rimes normally brings good energy to the screen, and I really appreciated the level of sass she brought to the role of Beyonce. And I can't say much about Helly Mae in other roles, but I must give her props for acting her ass off in this film. She was in every scene, wearing many freaky costumes, and I'm thinking that her sex skills were lackluster because she was so damn exhausted from the parody portion of this porn.

Axel Braun can do great work, but I haven't liked any of his movies since he did Batman XXX: A Porn Parody with Vivid. Maybe the guy shouldn't make up his own plots, you know? Maybe he's best when he's working closely with some source material and can devote his energy to fan-flattering mimicry.

Er, then again, he did make "This Ain't Avatar XXX."

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)

Helly Mae Hellfire and Rihanna Rimes
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Rihanna Rimes
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Rihanna Rimes
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Rihanna Rimes
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Rihanna Rimes
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Rihanna Rimes
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Rihanna Rimes
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Rihanna Rimes
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Rihanna Rimes
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Rihanna Rimes
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Rihanna Rimes
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Rihanna Rimes
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Scott Lyons
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Scott Lyons
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Scott Lyons
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire, Aubrey Addams, Marco Banderas, and Marco Rivera
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire, Aubrey Addams, Marco Banderas, and Marco Rivera
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire, Aubrey Addams, Marco Banderas, and Marco Rivera
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire, Aubrey Addams, Marco Banderas, and Marco Rivera
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire, Aubrey Addams, Marco Banderas, and Marco Rivera
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire, Aubrey Addams, Marco Banderas, and Marco Rivera
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire, Aubrey Addams, Marco Banderas, and Marco Rivera
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire, Aubrey Addams, Marco Banderas, and Marco Rivera
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Ron Jeremy
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Ron Jeremy
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)
Helly Mae Hellfire and Ron Jeremy
Hustler (hustler.com)
Buy "This Ain't Lady Gaga XXX" (store.fleshbot.com)