A Blueprint For The Best Boobs In Britain

Lad magazines frequently announce "The Best Boobs In Britain" belong to this girl or that, but we have no idea what contributes to the bestowing of such a superlative! Now that Sammy Braddy's dynamic duo has once again been dubbed the finest in the land, we're going to look at the legacy of Best Boobs and figure out a rubric for racks.

Because we're journalists, gosh darnit! And we're somewhat ashamed that we've been feeding you these claims of badass boobage all this time without even stopping to question them. What do you see when you look at these boobs? Are you instantly blown away? Do you agree that these are the best breasts you've ever seen? If not, what's wrong with them?

We're not here to sell you a method for evaluating body parts—every individual is perfectly capable of rating anatomy according to personal preference—but we would like to figure out how Nuts and ZOO Magazine gives one girl the top spot for titties. It's highly probably that their processes involve secret deals with a girl's agent, reader polls, counting page views for a certain lady's pictures, and/or other influences you can't point out by ogling breasts, but we're not going to think about those things because we're busy ogling breasts. Join us!

2007
Prior to 2007, it seemed like Keeley Hazell was the only woman the lad mags had eyes for. She was #1 in ZOO's Britain's 10 Sexiest Models, #1 in ZOO's 100 Sexiest Bodies 2005, #1 in The Sun's Favourite Page 3 Girls of All Time, #1 in ZOO's 100 Sexiest Bodies 2006, and then all of a sudden Sam Cooke shows up with her excellent breasts and becomes the owner of Britain's best boobs. Meanwhile, Seren Gibson hosts Britain's 50 Best Real Boobs, which essentially means she owned the number one pair of natural tits back then.

What do these breasts tell us? Not much at the moment. Based on Seren, people might assume that lad mags prefer larger tits, but Lucy Pinder played second fiddle to Sam even though she has gargantuan boobs. Sam's aren't small by any means—and we're pretty sure she had implants put in at some point, perhaps not then—but those perky nipples makes them seem tiny when compared with Seren's wide, almost overflowing boobage.

[Pics via Kunu (srifun.blogspot.com) and Phun (forum.phun.org)]
2008
In 2008, ZOO decided not to rank girls in a long list; they instead invented nifty five-point ratings systems. ZOO's list of the 100 Best British Boobs featured the Jug-O-Meter, and no single girl earned less than three out of five jugs. Notable five-jug winners include Lucy Pinder, Sam Cooke, Keeley Hazell (with a small picture, however) and Seren Gibson. Large cup sizes generally did better than others, although there seemed to be a notable point increase when nipples point upwards. Breasts tend to lose points the farther apart they are from each other.

Their list of the finest natural breasts featured the Tit-chelin Star system, which was basically the same as the Jug-O-Meter but with stars. The ratings are more or less identical—Vikki Blows's boobs, for example, get four points no matter what the competition is.

[Pic via Hot Celebs Home (hotcelebshome.com)]
2009
Looking at Nuts's 2009 list of the Britain's Best Boobs gives us a headache, not because we're getting overwhelmed by tits (impossible!) but because they're all so damn shiny. With a few exceptions here and there, the most beloved breasts seem to be the ones that reflect the most light. Seriously. While bigger boobs have more surface area off which to bounce beams, small ones can glow just as powerfully. (We should note that "small" really means a C-cup.) Lucy Pinder wins this round, but we think she cheated by using the palest glare of her sideboob.

Meanwhile, over at ZOO, Sammy Braddy tops the list of Britain's Best Real Boobs. Sammy's breasts are an unusually huge 30G, her left nipple is inverted. These boobs, combined with Seren Gibson's, help us develop some ideas about the best natural breasts. The lad magazines seem to like natural breasts that are large enough to be mistaken for fake, and they especially like it when there are little unusual things—like inverted nipples—that show these tits were built by God and DNA alone.

[Original post: The 100 Best Busty Babes (And Their 200 Best Boobs)]
2010
And then 2010 showed up, ZOO got all imperialist, and Sammy Braddy's breasts were deemed the best in the world. They even got a plastic surgeon to give an expert opinion on the perfection of Sammy's funbags! It's a tad strange, but he gave us some insight into what the perfect, Platonic ideal of a breast looks like:

"We look for three things in the perfect breast. The first is the 45:55 ratio—that's when the upper pole contains 45 percent of the breast and the lower pole contains 55 percent. Secondly, we look at the nipple-areola complex. The ideal dimension is when the areola width is proportional to the width of the breast and the nipple points skyward… Finally, we look at the 'lie of the breast'—whether they lie together to create a giant cleavage, or if they're apart and point sideways."

The doctor, Pat Mallucci, said he couldn't believe that Braddy's 32E boobs were real. Once again, boobs so real that they're fake have won the day.

2011
It's 2011, and Sammy Braddy is still ruling us all with her rack. What have we learned from recent trends in tit criticism (titicism)? Lad mags like it when breasts are shiny, perky, unusual, and—obviously—freakin' huge. We don't know how much larger boobs can possibly get in this world, but if anyone wants to try, they should strap fireworks to their chest.