Porn For Straight Girls: The Sexy Side Of Law

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"The Divorcee 2," from Smash Pictures, is a "The People's Court" parody porn. Oh, yes. As someone who has spent endless hours watching court TV (though I prefer Judge Judy, who really needs a parody of her own, since she's clearly a kinky one), I was incredibly excited for this movie.

First of all, you have a choice: you can watch the movie with the storyline included, or you can watch it "wall to wall sex," which is exactly what it sounds like. This is genius! I mean, in other movies, you can almost always select scenes if you just want to jump right in, but I like that Smash was all, "Okay, some people are doing this for a whole entertainment experience, and some people just want to get off as quickly as they can. How do we reconcile that?" Second of all, the parody version of the theme music from "The People's Court" is way better than ninety percent of parody theme music I've encountered, and I'm choosing to believe that this is because they tried really hard, rather than because the actual music has no copyright or is mixed on FruityLoops or something.

Okay, I just looked up if we had reviewed any previous "Divorcee" movies, and it turns out that the first one had Ron Jeremy as the judge, and James Deen was in it. I am amused by the former, and disappointed that the latter was not recast. Oh well! I obviously chose to watch this sequel with the story included, though if I was watching it on my own I'd probably just skip to the sex. Julia Ann is the judge, and she's pretty much the hottest judge I've ever seen. She's also a lesbian who always rules in the woman's favor, which kind of bugs me. Why do those things have to be connected? Weird. Jack Lawrence is the bailiff, and unfortunately does not have sex with anyone. However, his air of authority is super attractive, and his interjections supporting Julia Ann are pretty funny.

The first case features Gracie Glam (she's all over the place lately!) who's divorcing Mark Wood, publicly accusing him of having a small penis, and definitely fucking her lawyer. Judge Ann rules in Gracie's favor, but Mark gets to sleep with the sweet, sympathetic court stenographer Kagney Linn Karter in the courtroom after the trial. Gracie's assertion that Mark has a tiny penis is absurd, as I'm sure you're relieved to know. He plays the wounded husband pretty well, and the sex with Kagney is great; getting to do it in the courtroom was probably inspiring. However, Kagney is one of those girls who does the baby-voice moaning, which just freaks me out. It's so strange! I can't get past it. Meanwhile, Gracie is with her lawyer Alec Knight, having a victory fuck in the judge's chambers. They're pretty hot together, especially when Alec is sitting in the desk chair and Gracie's riding him. It looks like fun.

Next, Jack Lawrence tells Taylor Vixen to "go to Kmart down the street and get yourself a proper skirt," because her attire is inappropriate. This is hands down the best moment of the movie, and if you stopped watching you would miss nothing better. Taylor's divorcing Bill Bailey for fucking her sister. But, he's so hot! So, so hot! There's some kind of argument over grass. Whatever. Hot! Judge Ann takes a recess to meet with Taylor, which is of course an excuse for a lesbian scene. That was fine, but I was more excited about Bill Bailey also having sex in the courtroom, with Jenna Presley! It's not clear what Jenna's doing in the courtroom, but who cares! She talks really dirty, has a great forearm tattoo, and lets us see Bill Bailey in action! Actually, the dirty talk gets tiring, but Bill does not.

The lesbian scene was cool, and there's a final trial with Brandy Aniston divorcing her wayward husband, who has left the country. Christian shows up as said husband's legal counsel, so Brandy obviously fucks him. This movie was strong overall, and I thought that the general sleaziness of "The People's Court" translated extremely well to porn, as you might expect. Also, there were plenty of really hot men fucking in interesting places! I've been neglecting the story-based pornos lately, and this was a nice reintroduction of plot. I still have to check out "The Divorcee," though. I really want to see James Deen in a courtroom.

· Buy "The Divorcee 2" (store.fleshbot.com)

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