What Makes “Xero” Call Itself “The Most Dangerous All-Girl XXX Movie Ever Made”?

It takes a lot of chutzpah to decorate the back of your DVD case with "The Most Dangerous All Girl XXX Movie Ever Made," but Jack the Zipper and German composers Rockford Kabine are baller enough to pull it off. "Xero" is a gorgeous piece of experimental pornography with an amazing soundtrack to boot, but is it actually dangerous?

Xero

Studio: Cobra Films

Director: Jack the Zipper

Music: Rockford Kabine

Cast: Jade Starr, Jayme Langford, Franziska Facella, Devi Lynn, Zoe Minx

You can't think about "Xero" in terms of how hot the scenes are or how fappable the action is, and that might turn people off from watching it. It's experimental porn—it's more like an art film that coincidentally shows pornstars getting naked and rubbing on each other. Sure, there are times when the visuals grab you by the crotch, but that's not the intent! "Xero" isn't looking out for your crotch; "Xero" is looking out for "Xero."

Strucutrally, the movie is made of four or five scenes chopped up and spread throughout sixty-six minutes:

· In one scene, Jayme Langford peels off her tights and plays with Franziska Facella.

· In another scene, Jade Starr rakes her fingers up Devi Lynn's thighs, strips naked, plays with (what looks like) a tin mask, and has Devi lick her legs.

· After a title card flashes "Xero vs. The Black Angel," Zoe Minx—who may or may not be Xero, the leather-and-gas-mask clad, knife wielding pilot with a slight Nazi vibe—finds Jade in a barren field and wraps her arms around her.

· At various points throughout the film, we see Jade standing by herself in a dark room with a single window, her hair and hair-open dress waving in the wind.

· Finally, there's the scene that the DVD box describes as "The Shocking Ending The Censors Didn't Want You To Witness," which we'll leave for later. Every scene comes in slow motion and most scenes have some strange color saturation or shadow enhancement.

Again, it's hard to think about "Xero" just in terms of who fucks what when. The real meat of this movie is how the erotic pairs with the perverse, how the music lands on a disturbing twang just as Devi's lips land on Jade's pubic hair, and most importantly, how you react. Will you wait through thirteen minutes of Jayme Langford's hip swiveling to see her kiss Franziska? What about thirty minutes?

I get the feeling that "Xero" wants to be mesmerizing and keep viewers completely glued to the screen, and considering it uses experimental film techniques and hardcore lesbian porn—two things that are pretty exciting by themselves—it should have enough of an arsenal to keep us engaged.

Sadly, I felt bored for a lot of this movie. What went wrong?

For one, I got tired of watching slow motion versions of lazily performed porn. There were a few times when something a girl does stands out—like when Jayme kisses Franziska but uses no lip and too much tongue—but the majority of the action recalls the most gingerly conducted lesbian porn in which they girls don't actually want to touch each other so everything is reduced to fingertip teases and sexy faces at the camera. Even when I see full-on fingering, I feel that the porn is only there to give me something to relate to amidst a sea of weirdness; this has the strange effect of making me feel self-conscious for only identifying with the smutty parts, and I really like that, but it gets tiresome.

Secondly, all the weirdness comes from the experimental side of this film. It's fine for "Xeno" to draw attention to itself through trippy colors and abrupt cuts, but the actors could've done a little more to be interesting. The "Xeno Vs. The Black Angel" vignette provides the perfect example: I was waiting forever to see this menacing yet sexy figure with the knives and mask finally do something, and the first thing she does is half-assedly grab Jade. Real evil homicidal fighter pilot babes from post-apocalyptic alternate dimensions don't do anything half-assedly, certainly not to anyone they're attacking from the other side of "Vs." But no, Xero walks up behind Jade, slips an arm around her clavicle, and slowly opens Jade's jacket, all without any urgency, meaning, or interest.

And the "shocking ending" is a few minutes of Devi with a noose around her neck, looking at Jade, before Xero kicks the stool out from under her feet. Their blank eyes make them look like unpaid actors in a student film. I should note that after the credits roll, there's an extra bit of footage including a part in which Jade has the tin mask on and is penetrating Devi's pussy with its long, silver nose. Could that have been the censored ending? Is this the danger I was waiting for?

Despite all the negative things I've said about "Xero," I actually have the warm fuzzies for it. It's just too darn beautiful to not like!

And, I have to emphasize this, the soundtrack is fucking spectacular. It has hints of old samurai/Ennio Morricone tunes, but somehow drained of the fanboy kitsch that "Kill Bill" flaunted. It's like listening to Japanese medical-grade maple syrup, and I'm happy to say that the DVD comes with the soundtrack on CD!

So if you're hoping to get your jollies off with young, gorgeous lesbians, don't buy "Xero." However, if you're in the market for a big crescendo with no climax, something to bounce your porn-addled mind against for an hour, or a sexy stylish film to play in the background of your next doomsday-themed orgy, then absolutely give "Xero" a shot.

· Jack the Zipper (jackthezipper.com)

· Buy "Xero" (adultdvdempire.com)

Jade Starr

Jack the Zipper (jackthezipper.com)

Buy "Xero" (adultdvdempire.com)

Zoe Minx

Jack the Zipper (jackthezipper.com)

Buy "Xero" (adultdvdempire.com)

Jack the Zipper (jackthezipper.com)

Buy "Xero" (adultdvdempire.com)