The Travel Channel Should Make “Belladonna: Sexual Explorer” A Primetime Show

Anthony Bourdain can show you the best places to eat in Los Angeles, but Belladonna can show you the best pornstars to eat out in Los Angeles (after they drink and race go-karts). So who would you rather watch?

Belladonna: Sexual Explorer

Studio: Evil Angel
Director: Belladonna
Cast: Belladonna, Francesca Le, Sinn Sage, Sarah Shevon, Mia Rose, Dana DeArmond

Belladonna wouldn't even have to shoot new material! She could have a whole season of erotic travelogues just by chopping this movie into pieces; it's five hours and thirty minutes long! Why is it that long when there are only four fuck scenes?

The real answer is complicated, but the short version is this: Belladonna lets everything happen organically. In the first scene, Bella is racing go-karts with Sinn Sage and Sarah Shevon. They joke, play some "Dance Dance Revolution," diss each other, hop on a rented party bus (complete with disco lights and stripper pole) and start driving around. Naturally, Sinn starts showing off her pole dancing skills and Belladonna starts flirting and admiring Sinn's thong: "Take it easy with that Brazilian booty," she says, lying. Does this lead to sex? Nope! They stop at a liquor store, quote "Blue Velvet," Bella gets a single beer, Sinn buys a 40 ("I love that she gets a 40," notes Belladonna, "that says a lot about how she fucks"), and hit the bus again. Impatient porn consumers beware: things move slowly but pay off big.

One cut later, Sinn has downed her drink, Sarah's gotten stoned, and Belladonna has an evil smile on her face. The stripping seamlessly flows into making out, and suddenly Sarah is on her back getting teased and tortured as Belladonna and Sinn each kiss her toes, down her foot, over her heel, and all the way down to her ass. They even have the nerve to moisten Sarah's asshole before trekking their lips down her legs, so she's left craving their kisses on her most secret of spots. Bella falls back and lets Sinn and Sarah do their thing, although she occasionally acts as an armchair, groping and nibbling one girl while the other eats her out.

After a good half-hour of scissoring, sucking, pinching, and fingering, conversation starts up again. Sarah is on the ground, Sinn is straddling her, and Bella is absent-mindedly masturbating; suddenly the girls remember that no one bothered to fuck the hostess, so Sinn dives right it with lips and fingers pumping. See what we mean about organic? There's no choreography, camera man Aiden doesn't do anything but follow the action, and everything is fair game. Finger in the ass? You bet. Watch Sinn take a piss? That happens. This shit is so natural, Belladonna could sell it at Whole Foods.

And the same goes for the other three scenes! Next, Belladonna and Francesca Le go shopping for sex toys to take to a private spa, and in the course of their flirting, they taught me that any phrase can be delivered sexily if said right. For example, the ladies discuss their anal washing routines, and after Belladonna makes a comment about wanting Francesca's ass, Francesca squeezes Bella close and says, "Let's see how good that butthole cleaner worked," and they start making out. I felt my own tongue start wiggling out of jealousy.

Once they hit the spa, the hands go everywhere, hair gets pulled, and Francesca gets a quick, stomach-rocking orgasm right off the bat. They oil up and hit the mini sauna, pull out a strap-on, pound their way through the steam, and Francesca gives Bella a piggy back ride to the shower. It barely takes ten minutes for them to get soaked and sweaty—and Francesca already has that sleepy, somewhat sad look in her eyes—but they're just getting started. There's still a hot tub they have yet to fuck in, so they do.

It looks like the fun is over when Bella leaves Francesca playing with spit all over her face, but then she returns with a Soviet tank commander's cap, straps the dildo to her groin, grits her teeth, and slams Francesca's pussy as hard as she can. Then they grab a plate of fruit, hop in the sauna, and talk about their favorite bodily fluids. This is, in my opinion, something that more porn should show. Belladonna's work is far from being considered "romantic," but she and her cast show more intimacy than any piece of couples' porn on the market. It's amazingly rare to hear a pornstar talk about being pressured to do anal by a director, and yet we get to hear Belladonna describe such an experience to Francesca, right after we watched them smear each other all over the spa. How open! How raw! And the best part is that the conversation makes the sex better and vice-versa. It's like fucking is wine and talking is cheese: you really ought to try them together.

The seamlessness of "Sexual Explorer" makes everything feel earnest and honest—and those are extremely valuable emotions for a piece of porn to have—but there were times when I was straight-up bored, and I'm the kind of guy who loves pointless behind-the-scenes banter. It's cute when Belladonna squeezes Mia Rose's tits and distracts her from "World of Warcraft," but there's a long spell of conversation before it that consists of Mia and Aiden spitting gamer lingo and WoW stats back and forth. Another example: at the end of the film, Dana DeArmond and Bella are having a nosh on a picnic bench by the beach, and we learn about the three kinds of chips that Dana ate that day. Again, more ambient chit-chat is always welcome, but it makes for a boring finish to a fantastic movie. Plus, the chip talk comes right after watching Dana fucking Bella's pussy using only the ball of her foot in the backseat of a moving car, and no conversation can compete with that.

Still, even though a yawn may have passed here or there, I was slackjawed with awe for most of this movie. Not only does Belladonna inspire the wildest behavior in her co-stars, she also feeds off their energy and gives it back. She knows that she's the legendary Belladonna, but it doesn't go to her head! You should see her giddy excitement when she's on the way to bang Mia; she strips down and starts masturbating while driving. That's right, Belladonna's love for Mia motivates her to risk her life.

Does this need to be five hours and thirty minutes long? No. Could they have edited this down a little? Certainly, but I'm happy that they didn't.

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Sinn Sage, Sarah Shevon, and Belladonna
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