“Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody”: The Answer To The Question No One Asked

I'm going to level with you people: the "Bridesmaids" porn parody has been on my desk for what seems like forever. I've been meaning to watch it, I swear, but whenever I've looked at the box cover, I've just had the sinking feeling that what lies within is a Christopher Hitchens essay waiting to happen.

But today I decided to suck it up and watch the damn thing.

Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody

Studio: Smash Pictures
Director: Jim Powers
Cast: Sasha Knox, Kagney Linn Karter, April O'Neil, Lexi Swallow, Sarah Vandella, Katie St. Ives, Bill Bailey, Jack Lawrence, Eric Swiss, Anthony Rosano

Before I watched this movie, my thoughts about it were high minded: there was something grating on me about the idea of taking a groundbreaking movie that put numerous female comedians on the map and turning it into a porn parody. I mean, sure, I get that anything popular is viewed as the perfect fodder for pornification; but somehow reducing the stars of "Bridesmaids" to fuck toys seemed like crossing a line.

After I watched the movie, on the other hand, all thoughts of feminist critique went out the window. It's not that "Bridesmaids" is somehow progressive or better than I expected. It's that it's so bad, any concerns I had about women and humor and objectification were replaced by concerns about the sanity of anyone who thought this movie was a good idea.

The sins of "Bridesmaids XXX" are legion. Like many recent parodies, it cops whole sections of the original movie's script (with some porny modifications); in order to keep the flow of the script, it crams in so much plot that there is literally thirty minutes of sexless action between the second and third sex scene. Now, normally I'm a fan of plot and context in my sexy media, but having to sit through half an hour of porn actresses trying to go toe to toe with the comic chops of Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph is the kind of thing that should be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

And then there are the minor points that just left me confused: the fact that Helen is fucking Ted on the side, the fact that the incredibly white Sarah Vandella-as-Lillian still has a black dad, the fact that "Pachelbel's Canon" plays through much of the film. I know I should just shrug these off as the price of entry for porn, but somehow it just seemed a bit too much. And that's not even considering the fact that the infamous food poisoning scene manages to remain in the porn parody largely intact (honestly, the less said about that, the better).

Of course, all that would be moot if the sex were stellar; after all, "Bridesmaids XXX" does offer a wall-to-wall sex option that allows you to cut out what passes for acting. But—with the exception of a few highlights—most of the sex in the film is passable at best, and certainly nothing to write home about.

There was one bright spot in the film, though: at the end of the first sex scene, Anthony Rosano pulls out to come on Katie St. Ives, directing his load towards her labia. Once he's coated her pussy in come, he proceeds to stick his dick back inside her, rubbing his load all over her vaginal walls (and, in the process, his dick). I have no idea what this sort of move is called, but it's honestly one of the hottest things I've seen in a porn. Though it's not worth the price of the entire movie, you might want to check out that small bit on a pay per minute basis. (But seriously, stay away from the food poisoning scene.)

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Buy "Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)
Buy "Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)
Buy "Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)
Buy "Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)
Buy "Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)
Buy "Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)
Buy "Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)
Buy "Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)
Buy "Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)
Buy "Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)
Buy "Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)
Buy "Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)
Buy "Bridesmaids XXX Porn Parody" (store.fleshbot.com)