Fleshbot’s Winter TV Guide: The Coziest Carnal Programming On Premium Cable

It's a new year with new shows and new seasons of old favorites. Even if the weather is still autumnal in some parts of the country, it's going to get cold quickly, so prepare your cocoa, your blanket, and your couch for the following television experiences.

While the fall lineup had a distinctly masculine feel to it (what with shows like "Boss," "Bored to Death," and "Dexter"), we're not sure how to characterize the winter. We've got families, loners, armies, and a sleazy baseball player—what do you call that? Hopefully we can call it entertaining and naughty, but we'll settle for just naughty.

Oh, and did we mention that a certain voluptuous Roman lady is still alive? Winter is going to rule.

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Californication (January 8th)
What would we do without sleazy David Duchovny in our lives? (We'd probably watch "Twin Peaks" reruns, but that's another story.) Everybody's favorite sex-obsessed writer is back for the fifth season of "Californication," and since two and a half years have passed since the end of season four, we're not sure where is brain is at. Will he still get into situations that allow us to see nudity? We got a glimpse of some Runkle action this morning, but we really couldn't see anything too naughty or nipple-y. Our deepest hope is that this season features more action between Charlie and Melissa Stephens (seen above), that crazy girl who was all about wild sex and incest fantasies.

· "Californication" (sho.com)

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House of Lies (January 8th)
Anytime someone says they work in consulting, we have no clue what they mean. Hopefully, Showtime's newest series will clear all of that up for us because "House of Lies"—excuse us, we mean "Hou$e of Lie$"—is about the #2 consulting firm in the U.S. and all of the grimy, evil, debaucherous things they do. The clips that we've seen so far have set a great baseline for the show's overall nudity factor, and the fact that Don Cheadle is willing to show his backside gives us hope that the show's stars aren't afraid to strip down for the cause of consulting. Our heroes must battle the #1 consulting firm in the U.S., styled after McKinsey & Company, and everybody knows that the only way to hurt McKinsey is with Kristen Bell's tits, so...

· "House of Lies" (sho.com)

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Shameless (January 8th)
We were blown away by the amount of nudity on the first season of "Shameless," and we were absolutely delighted to find that the second season begins with Emmy Rossum riding cowgirl, tits out, with the Chicago skyline behind her. We don't want to say "Shameless" is going to be a sure thing for Sunday night smut, but we will be deeply surprised if we don't see 2.5 boobs per episode. We don't care how that last .5 gets delivered—be it sideboob, extreme cleavage, or even underboob—but we demand it.

On another note, since when did Showtime become the awesomest channel in the world?

· "Shameless" (sho.com)

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Spartacus: Vengeance (January 27th)
We have some pretty extreme feelings about this show. On the one hand, we were extremely saddened by Andy Whitfield's death, and we loved him so much on "Spartacus: Blood and Sand" that we wonder if it's worth watching his storyline progress without him leading the slave rebellion. On the other hand, we love this show, every season of it, and we were certain that Lucy Lawless died at the end of "Blood and Sand," and now we hear she was only wounded by Crixus, and now we're craving that sweet, sweet Lawless bod all over again.

It was incredibly hard to choose a "Spartacus" clip to pair with this post, but we had to go with this one. It's absurd. There is wine pouring down a naked woman's body into John Hannah's mouth. God, this show is brilliant.

· "Spartacus" (starz.com)

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Eastbound & Down (February 19)
As always, we have a longshot in play. "Eastbound & Down" is the only show in HBO's lineup that suggests any griminess to us, and since we've seen some nudity here in the past, we pray that Kenny Powers will get himself involved in a pornstar-related baseball event. Or, you know, he could spend more time at the strip club; that works just as well. All we're saying is that HBO owes us some major nudity this season because they cancelled our favorite (and most titty-laden) shows.

· "Eastbound & Down" (hbo.com)