At the World Cup, Play with Your Balls All You Want, But No Sex

by Coleen Singer, Sssh.com

I’m not sure when the debate started, but somewhere along the line in the history of the FIFA World Cup, whether or not players will be engaging in any sexual activity became a question of major concern. Back in 2010, I recall reading that England’s coach, Fabio Capello, declared that he would be denying his players’ “access” to their wives and girlfriends during the tournament – there was no mention at the time (or since) of whether he also limited their access to South African prostitutes, but I suppose that was implied.

With the 2014 Cup rapidly approaching, the sex question is once again front and center, as some teams curiously cling to the baseless notion that having sex negatively impacts athletic performance, while others say they will go forward with a policy that sounds a bit like the old “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

Leading the puritanism of the pitch is the Mexican team, which has decidedly embraced the abstinence-only route.

Coach Miguel Herrera says that any player that can’t go a month without sex is “not prepared to be a professional player” – a clear indication that professional soccer is a very different game from that played by NBA, wherein regularly bedding down faceless sports groupies as your team tours the country is such an ingrained part of the league’s culture that guarantees of plentiful Road Nookie has become an important part of free agency negotiations.

Team USA coach Jurgen Klinsmann, whose name sounds a bit like a German euphemism for masturbation to me, says he is going to take a more laid back approach to the question of Sexy Time in Brazil.

“I think we are very casual in the way we approach things,” Klinsmann said. “Their families can come pretty much any time. They will be at the games, they can come by at the hotel, we will have barbecues together.”

While this does make me curious about the kind of barbecues Team USA is engaging in these days (the KY at these events might not stand for “Kentucky,” if you catch my drift), Klinsmann sounds like he’s taking a sensible approach. If the guys simply must fuck someone during the tournament, let it be their wives, girlfriends or boyfriends. After all, if you don’t allow that, half the team might defect in favor of hanging out on the beach staring at all those famously big and bodacious Brazilian boo-tays.

Meanwhile, the coach of Bosnia-HerzeNoVagina, Safet Susic, has established a reasonable middle ground of sorts. While he steadfastly proclaims that “there will be no sex in Brazil,” he’s not closing the door on the possibility of his players taking matters into their own hands.

“They can find another solution,” Susic said, “they can even masturbate if they want.”

Presumably, Susic meant that his players can masturbate back at the hotel, and maybe while on the team bus, not on the field of play – but this is the Bosnian team we’re talking about here, so who knows.

Realistically, having sex prior to playing soccer probably doesn’t impact your on-field performance much one way or the other, and to the extent that there’s any data on the question at all, it suggests that having sex the night before competition might be a good thing. As Greg Whyte, a professor of sport and exercise science at John Moores University in Liverpool, explained back during the 2010 Sex-In-Soccer debate: “There have been a few studies on sex before sport and they have shown it has no effect on performance. However, sleep quality is crucial in terms of performance and sex can enhance sleep, so therefore it may enhance performance.”

Of course, one also has to consider that every single member of every single team competing at the World Cup is male – so if anybody believes that none of these players are going to be knocking boots with anyone in Brazil this summer…. Well, I’ve got some beachfront property in Brasilia that they might want to take a look at.

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