Sex Tapes: the New Headshot?

- by Coleen Singer at Sssh.com Porn For Women and Couples

She’s so fancy, I already know, her sex tape will be downloaded from L.A. to Tokyo.

That’s right – Steve Hirsch, everybody’s favorite vendor of video depictions of tepid and poorly-filmed celebrity sex acts, now claims that he has his clammy little hands on a sex tape featuring Australian rapper Iggy Azalea. 

Booty fans everywhere can be forgiven for hoping that Hirsch is telling the truth, but for her part, Azalea has responded with the traditional first step of celebrity sex tape publicity: denying the tape’s authenticity and threatening to sue Vivid.

Of course, Azalea can only sue if she has standing to do so, which she will only if Vivid puts out the tape, which Vivid can’t do without Iggy’s permission, so long as it is actually Iggy on the tape. Not only does Vivid need Azalea’s permission, it would also need a copy of her ID, in order to comply with a fun little law the adult industry refers to as “2257.” It’s too complicated a subject to address here, but suffice to say that in order to distribute that Iggy footage legally, Vivid has to be able to prove that the performers in it are adults, and to satisfy the law, they need to have a copy of the performers’ government-issued ID as proof.

Setting all that aside for a moment, I think it’s time to address the obvious: sex tapes are becoming a de facto part of the modern celebrity work portfolio. As such, I think it’s time to make that official: from now on, when celebrities and would-be celebrities want to work in Hollywood, the music business, or any other segment of the entertainment industry, a sex tape should be a mandatory part of their official curriculum vitae.

Let’s face it, the current generation of young actors isn’t exactly a collection of Meryl Streeps or Daniel Day-Lewises. They look decent on camera, sure, but for the most part their acting chops are more appropriate for the SyFy channel than the Globe Theatre. As such, it’s not like appearing in homemade sex tapes would be beneath their talent, and as near as I can tell dignity always takes a back seat to fame in Hollywood, so satisfying the new sex tape requirement should be no skin off their surgically-tailored noses, right?

If this protocol were followed, not only would Vivid and Hirsch be set for life, actors could get some practical experience with doing sex scenes that would serve them well the next time they have to snuggle naked with Ben Affleck’s smug, smelly ass, and aspiring pop singers could get invaluable pre-celebrity twerking practice. Just think how much more convincing Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber’s bad-girl/bad-boy routines would seem if we already had footage of them sucking someone’s cock!

Sure, some celebrities will balk at the idea, particularly those who have their heart set on being the next big star in family entertainment. To address their concerns, we need to make sure there’s an option to delay public release of one’s sex tape until after they’ve become a household name; until that point, the footage can serve as private proof of the celebrity in question having the ‘right stuff’ – or at the very least, confirmation that they have genitalia.

I’m sure there’s a down side to this idea that hasn’t occurred to me, but it would have to be pretty compelling to move me off the idea of the future Matthew McConaugheys of the world being required to disclose their assets, so to speak, before consummating their first film deal.

About Coleen Singer:
Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen), where she often waxes eloquent about Female Friendly Porn, sex, pleasure products, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.

Visit Coleen at Sssh.com for more sex news, commentary and hot porn for women and couples!