Man With Dildo Attempts To Make Friends On Subway

There are few things in life that are more joyous than seeing a man doing something he truly loves. While many have been quick to label this fella here as a "dildo terrorist," let's be honest; there's nothing joyful about terrorists. This dude is happier than a pig in shit, and he's not necessarily harming anyone with the giant black dildo he's wielding. He more or less wants that dildo to bring those around him the same level of ecstasy it's bringing him.

According to Animal New York (link below), the man was riding the 2 train toward Flatbush, Brooklyn, and showed some pretty clear signs of either intoxication or drug-induced euphoria. As others around him began to laugh at his antics, he reached into his bag and began brandishing an enormous black dildo, estimated to be between 14-16 inches in length.

The young guys and other people nearby ran away, laughing. The man then started waving the big black dong around, pointing it at people and pretending to jerk it off. The man also kept standing up and clenching his butt cheeks.

Then he really got into it: Every time the train pulled into a station, he’d put the dildo away, sit quietly, let people board, then whip it out and wave it around, startling the new passengers.

Eyewitnesses said that the man wasn't necessarily threatening or targeting anyone in particular, and that the woman sitting next to him, who is clearly immune to his charms, just ignored his ass until she got off at her stop. 

Self-defense expert and retired New York State cop Steve Kardian said that the woman’s lack of response is an example of the best course of action to take when someone is sticking a dildo in one’s face. “I would encourage people to have little to no reaction, because that’s the first thing he’s seeking to do,” Kardian told ANIMAL. “If he doesn’t get any input from his actions, he’s likely to walk away.”

Or rather, he's likely to clench his butt cheeks until you pay attention to him again. According to the cop, the man won't be prosecuted because he fits a very specific, technical profile.

Kardian said that the man could be arrested for harassment and disorderly conduct, but that’s probably not necessary. “He was probably just an assclown, being stupid,” Kardian said.

You know what, god bless this guy. Commuting is one of life's little miseries, and he was just trying to bring a little joy into people's lives. Shine on you crazy, crazy diamond. 

Via Animal New York