It’s a thing: MERMAID PORN

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Here's the thing: Since I was a wee child, I've always been obsessed with mermaids. I was a mermaid many times for Halloween, and I squeeee every time I see anything even remotely mermaid related on TV, in stores, in the news, on Animal Planet, or in the depths of the Internet. I also love Erika Lust's independent, feminist porn. AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? SHE MADE MERMAID PORN. 

Called Ibiza Splash Crush, it's another feature in Lust's XConfessions series, in which she takes viewer fantasies and turns them into unique, creative porn scenes straight from the spank bank. I never thought I'd see a mermaid porno that didn't include Ariel and Sebastian, and I was not about having that childhood dream squandered, so I never looked. But then I saw this: 

This is what this brilliant user submitted: 

My first erotic myth was Daryl Hannah in the movie Splash. I was just a kid, but her image taking a bath, her breasts covered with blonde hair, her legs becoming a fishtail, intrigued me in a very sexual way. I had a wet dream with her the other night, freakiest thing ever. When I reviewed the film the morning after, I couldn’t find it sillier. But I guess you don’t get to choose how smart your fantasies actually are. I love you, Daryl!

So Erika, brilliant person that she is, decided to flip the script and make the dude the mermaid. That's right, folks. This scene starts out with a fucking MERMAID. *Cue me hyperventilating.* 

It turns out he's not actually a mermaid—just a dude napping in a chaise lounge, but that doesn't stop the mermaid wet dream that he's having, and I. Am. Thrilled. It cuts to him with human legs, sitting in the pool and making out with the lifeguard, which is like adding in an entire new dimension of fantasy. I don't know which user submitted this idea, but we should send that person an award. 

The performers are Gabe Tonic and Carolina Abril, two gloriously beautiful people who add a unique look to this scene. Gotta love tattoos. My personal favorite part of the scene is when Gabe eats out Carolina while she's lounging on an inflatable soft pretzel in the water. #lifegoals

There's pool sex. There's cabana sex. There's chaise lounge sex. THERE ARE MERMAIDS. The only thing missing is an after-sex cocktail, though they probably had one of those, too. Gabe is unfortunately woken up from his sexy dream eventually, but hey—fantasy mermaids are better than none, am I right?