Will the Real Penis Please Stand Up?

The introduction of emojis into our daily lives has been both a boon and a burden. Now, with a swipe of your keyboard, you can express sadness, rage, elation, and disappointment—all at the same time, if you wish. We know the peach symbolizes The Booty, while the Information Desk Person unequivocally illustrates Ultimate Sass. Some emojis get hard to keep track of, though, because as we learned in high school English, symbolism is sometimes a big pile of bullshit. I, for one, have no earthly idea what ghost-sunshine-fork means, and I don't have time to decipher your strange hieroglyphics.

That said, one emoji debate rises above the rest: WHICH ONE IS THE PENIS? 

I've argued with people about this. My friends have argued with people about this. I've listened to strangers on the subway argue with people about this. And it's time to stop the argument in its tracks. No dick stand-in, no matter how artistic, should cause such a rift in the community. So what did I do? 

I made a survey and gave it to all my coworkers, of course. 

There are seven total responses, so let's take the validity of this survey lightly, but it is was enlightening nonetheless. As you can see, the eggplant wins by a landslide, and everyone basically told the cactus to go fuck itself. I wanted to get a little more insight on the matter, since eggplants don't actually look like dicks. (No, really—have you ever seen an actual eggplant?) Here is what my coworkers had to say on the matter after choosing their cartoon cock of choice: 

#EggplantFriday need I say more? 

What the fuck is Eggplant Fri—oh. I see. That. Instagram's new ban on the eggplant (and #EggplantFriday content) is about as ludicrous as the company using the phrase "female nipple" in a sentence ever, but that's the world we live in, folks. Moving on to the first member of Team Eggplant. 

The cactus is a cactus, maybe mistakable for a vibrator, but not a penis. 

I see you, Respondent #5. This user said something else insightful as well: 

[The eggplant] has the right shape, and the green tip at the end makes it look like it has a 'head' if you get my drift.

That attention to detail is remarkable. I should note that two people did think it was the banana, though. 

The eggplant is too scary. The cactus looks painful.

As someone with a vagina, I'd have to agree with that. While I consider myself to be an adventurous person, I prefer to keep vegetables and anything with spikes away from that area of my body. We then home in on shape: 

Shit hanging off the side is scary. 

Which I assume can only mean the smaller spiky cactus prongs and the banana peel. Is that right? 

You don't peel a dick. 

Apparently so. Touché. Last but not least, a Team Eggplant-er who is undoubtedly a dude: 

Because the eggplant is HUGE.

Alright, buddy. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. 

If you'd like to chime in on the question of the century, feel free to make your voice heard: