Only in Florida: The Need for Speed

May 25, 2016
JACK-BLACKBUSH

What Would Happen If You Got in a Car Accident?

In my column Only in Florida, I'll be taking you down to the Sunshine State for the latest and greatest sex stories that can only be found in the craziest state in the union.

We all speed, or at least we’ve all gone over the speed limit once in our lives. Even if you aren’t into fast cars or furious cars, there is a certain feeling we’ve all gotten when we pushed down the gas pedal on an empty open stretch of road. Of course, some people live for fast driving and just can’t get enough, like Florida resident Noe DeJesus was arrested for driving a 110 mph while naked.

Officers pulled over DeJesus on a stretch of road referred to as “Alligator Alley” and noticed that not only did he have open beer in the car, he wasn’t wearing a shirt. When asked to get out of the car DeJesus fell trying to put his pants back on. Now that’s just insult to injury.

After his arrest, DeJesus was placed in a squad car where he apparently started banging his head on the cage while crying and saying he was sorry. Of course, after a few minutes of this, DeJesus passed out and begin to snore on the way to jail.

It should also be noted that there was at least one female passenger in the chair who said she feared for her life, but didn’t call the police because as she put it, DeJesus “is not easy to work with.” There was no word if she or anyone else in the car was also naked.

Look, I get it, we all need to feel a rush now and then, but let’s do our best to not combine drinking, driving, and nudity. It’s all fun and games until someone loses and eye. Or a testicle.