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You’ve probably noticed a shift. A few years ago, kink was something people mostly kept private between partners, in niche subcultures, or behind event doors with a “strictly 21+” sign. Now, everyone and their algorithm is talking about dominance, bondage, aftercare, and submission. And sure, it’s great that kink isn’t hiding in the shadows anymore. But the way it’s being talked about? "Kinksplaining" is where things are starting to go sideways.
Let’s be honest: it can feel like everyone online is suddenly a kink expert. You scroll for two minutes and find someone breaking down “what all healthy BDSM dynamics need” or “how to be a confident dom in 3 easy steps.” The information sounds good on the surface; clean, confident, and bite-sized. But sometimes, it leaves people more confused than turned on.
That’s what we’re calling "kinksplaining". Explaining kink in a way that might sound helpful but ends up oversimplifying something that’s actually very personal, very complex, and, for many people, deeply emotional.
To be clear, not everyone talking about kink online is misinformed. Some educators are IRL professionals and present it with care and real-world context. However, the problem is that a lot of content skips over that context entirely, either to fit into a short video or to appear confident to new and curious people.
And when kink gets boiled down to a formula like “subs are like this,” “doms should always do that,” “aftercare means XYZ,” it stops being useful. It becomes performance. Good kink isn't about checking boxes or copying someone else's dynamic. It’s about figuring out what you want, what your partner wants, and creating something that works for both of you.
That takes more than a caption.
Kink means different things to different people. It can be wild and playful. It can be intense and emotional. It can be deeply connected or happily casual. Some people crave rules and rituals. Others just want to experiment with sensation and see how it feels.
It only works if the people involved are on the same page, and that rarely happens by following tips that claim to work for everyone. Just because someone posted a sleek photo in rope or shared their “dom checklist” doesn’t mean that’s the right model for you.
In fact, when you’re new to kink, all those confident-sounding opinions can make you second-guess your instincts. You might wonder, “Am I doing this wrong? Should I want something different?” That’s what makes kinksplaining frustrating: it gives off the illusion of certainty in a space that really depends on curiosity, communication, and trial and error.
Being dominant or submissive isn’t about following a script. It’s about trusting yourself and trusting the person you're with. That takes time. There's no shortcut. Talking about limits, figuring out what kind of control feels good (and what really doesn’t), checking in during and after a scene… none of that fits into a 15-second video, but it’s the backbone of a good kink experience.
And here’s something people don’t always say out loud: you can be in a kinky dynamic without using formal titles, strict power roles, or gear. You can ease in slowly, try something small, and build from there. You don’t need to earn a stripe. You just need to pay attention to yourself and your partner.
If you’ve spent more time watching how kink is talked about than exploring it, that’s okay. You’re not behind. If anything, the best thing you can do is slow down and ask fundamental questions:
There’s no expert on earth (including the ones with a million followers) who can answer that for you. Good kink is built, not copied. Dear reader, kink can be powerful, playful, healing, and hot. It’s not something you get better at by learning the “correct” language or following someone else’s blueprint.
The next time you see confident advice on how to “dom like a man” or “submit like a goddess,” just remember: it might be that person’s truth, but it doesn’t have to be yours. Take what helps, skip the rest, and focus on what feels good to you and your partner. No checklist can compete with honest communication.
That’s not kinksplaining. That’s just kink with care.
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