Stop Performing in Bed: How to Have Better Orgasms

Real Pleasure Doesn’t Need Choreography, Just Presence.

When you stop performing and start actually feeling, your orgasms get real, deep, and way more satisfying—for both of you. Let me ask you something, dear reader: When was the last time you were fully present during sex? Not in your head, not thinking about how you looked, not worrying about coming quickly or impressively, but just… there. In your body. With your partner. Tuned in, not turned on like a switch.

So many of us have been wired to perform sex rather than experience it. And spoiler: that’s a one-way ticket to tension, disconnection, and frankly, less-than-stellar orgasms. Let’s change that. Let’s talk about how slowing down and losing the act can unlock the better orgasms you (and your partner) absolutely deserve.

Why So Many of Us Are Faking It—And Why It Matters

Somewhere between late-night softcore and internet-fueled porn myths, we started believing that “hot” sex meant theatrical sex—hair flips, deep moans, perfectly timed back arches, and long, loud orgasms that feel more scripted than spontaneous. And sure, there’s a time and place for high-drama sex. But constantly performing in the bedroom? That’s exhausting. More importantly, it’s sabotaging your ability to truly connect and fully climax.

Research backs this up: there is a significant difference (often called the "orgasm gap") in the frequency or consistency with which men and women report orgasming during partnered sex, particularly in heterosexual encounters.

That's not a biological failing; it's a cultural one. We’re rushing, we’re faking, we’re guessing... and no one’s asking what truly turns them on. Better orgasms start when we stop performing and start participating deeply, sensually, and most importantly, honestly. Because pleasure isn’t a show, it’s a signal. And when you learn to listen to it, your entire sex life changes.

How to Have Better Orgasms Without Performing

If you're ready to ditch the silent stage director in your brain and start really enjoying sex—not as an idea, but as a full-body experience—start here:

#1 Slow. The. Fuck. Down.

Great orgasms aren't microwavable. They need to marinate and simmer. If you’re gunning for the finish line, you’re skipping over all the build-up that creates better orgasms: teasing, tension, anticipation, skin-on-skin curiosity.

The next time you’re about to jump into penetration or go straight for the clit like it’s a light switch, pause. Breathe together. Kiss slower. Linger longer. Let the pleasure rise naturally instead of forcing a climax on a clock.

#2 Be Curious Instead of Correct

This isn't a test, and you're not being graded. Let go of the idea that you need a perfect playlist of moves to “get it right.” Ask questions. Try new things. Give yourself (and each other) room to surprise one another.

Bonus tip: Instead of “Do you like this?” (which can feel like a performance check-in), try “What would feel even better?” or “Show me.”

Curiosity makes sex playful, not pressured. And play is often where the best orgasms live.

#3 Tune Into Your Own Turn-On

If you're focused entirely on pleasing your partner and not checking in with your own arousal, you’re just acting out a fantasy instead of living a real one.

What's turning you on right now? Is it the way their breath feels on your neck? The pressure of their hand on your thigh? Is it the sound they're making when you tease just a little longer?

Your desire matters. Please don’t wait for their orgasm to validate yours. Your pleasure is a gift, and the more you embody it, the more connected the whole experience becomes.

#4 Ditch the Orgasm Goal—Enjoy the Pleasure Path

Here’s a radical idea: What if sex didn’t have to end in orgasm to be satisfying? (And ironically, what if that took the pressure off so that you had a better orgasm anyway?)

If you treat sex like it’s only successful if you climax, you’ll miss the delicious details. The skin grazes. The breathy laughs. The convulsing slowness of edging play.

Orgasms are a part of good sex, sure. But they don’t define it. And often, the more you obsess over “getting there,” the less likely you are to enjoy being here.

Dear reader, you deserve orgasms that make your toes curl, your muscles shake, and your brain fog up—not from performance stress but from intimacy-drunk pleasure. Stop acting. Start asking, hearing, slowing down, and feeling. Whether you're partnered or solo, performative sex is a habit, and like any habit, you can break it with attention, intention, and a few deep, delicious breaths because the best orgasm isn’t one that looks good. It feels like the sky cracking open inside you… even if no one's watching.

BECOME THE BEST LOVER YOU CAN BE