From Emperors to Opera Singers, The Horniest People in History Lived for Seduction
Dear reader, somewhere between the invention of literacy and the rise of the ring light, sexy ambition found a way to broadcast itself. Whether through love letters, scandalous portraits, or full-blown erotic chaos, history’s horniest power players didn’t just live—they performed.
They manipulated desire like puppeteers. They wove sex into their legacy, and if the Wi-Fi gods had graced them a few centuries earlier, these twelve legendary kinksters would’ve had millions of subscribers, tiered content, and probably an NFT of a ceremonial butt plug signed by a Roman emperor.
Here are the horniest people in history who would be thriving on OnlyFans if they were alive today:
#12 Julie d’Aubigny
- A 17th-century French opera singer and duelist who could defeat men in swordfights—and then bang their girlfriends.
- Known Sexuality: Loud, proud, and pansexual before there was a word for it. She seduced convent nuns, nobles, and half the theater scene.
- Why She’d Thrive on OnlyFans: Swordplay kink tutorials, dramatic opera stripteases, and bisexual chaos in baroque corsets. Her “blowjob while fencing” content would be legendary in the kink community.
#11 King Edward II
- English king (1307–1327), better known for his deep fondness for his male companions than for any governing skills.
- Known Sexuality: Contemporary reports strongly imply romantic and sexual involvement with his favorite, Piers Gaveston, whose promotions and extravagance scandalized the court.
- Why He’d Thrive on OnlyFans: Royal submissive energy. Forbidden romance content. Roleplay scenarios like “The Knight and the King’s Backdoor.” His bad decisions would be the best softcore scandals.
#10 Veronica Franco
- A high-end courtesan and poet in 16th-century Venice known for servicing elite men and serving elite shade.
- Known Sexuality: Used her body and brain with equal intensity, penning poetry that mingled love, lust, and literary flexing.
- Why She’d Thrive on OnlyFans: Sensual poetry readings in luxury lingerie. Elegant boudoir backdrops with historically accurate boobage. A premium tier called “Bawdy & Bookish.”
#9 Elagabalus
- Teenage Roman emperor (218–222 AD) with a flair for over-the-top orgies and gender expression that made the Senate clutch its pearls.
- Known Sexuality: Slept with men, women, and everything in between. Reportedly referred to themselves as a woman and sought gender-affirming surgery. Yeah, in ancient Rome.
- Why They’d Thrive on OnlyFans: Toga-free hedonism. Genderfluid kink cosplay. Whole palace scenes where everyone’s naked but somehow still call it religion. Imagine an orgy hosted by a divine drag queen.
#8 Pietro Aretino
- A 16th-century Italian writer who churned out satirical porn, invented literary blackmail, and got banned by the Vatican—a triple threat. His most famous work in this genre is the Sonetti Lussuriosi (Lustful Sonnets).
- Known Sexuality: Freely explored all orientations, often writing graphically about both straight and gay sex. His Sonetti Lussuriosi are still scandalizing Italian lit classes.
- Why He’d Thrive on OnlyFans: Filthy sonnets paired with suggestive finger gestures, erotic voice-overs you could pretend were educational. His 16th-century nudity breakdowns would be pure GIF bait.
#7 Catherine the Great
- Russia’s most powerful empress (r. 1762–1796), expansionist mastermind, and friend to many, many lovers.
- Known Sexuality: Maintained an ongoing rotation of younger male companions and decorated their careers as generously as their bedrooms.
- Why She’d Thrive on OnlyFans: High-value MILF content. A tutorial series called “Conquer with Coochie.” She’d have her own line of imperial vibrators.
#6 Marquis de Sade
- French nobleman, libertine, and writer whose name literally spawned the word “sadism.”
- Known Sexuality: Every flavor of taboo—BDSM, non-monogamy, and philosophically charged degeneracy. Wrote 120 Days of Sodom while locked up for... essentially being too horny for France. Can you imagine?!
- Why He’d Thrive on OnlyFans: The Marquis would turn kink content into existential performance art. Expect a multi-part bondage series narrated like nihilist operas, complete with moaning, monologues, and minor keys. He’d pair explicit acts with permission-focused lectures on consent, domination, and societal repression.
#5 Josephine Baker
- A Jazz Age icon, French Resistance heroin, and international sex symbol who danced wearing only bananas.
- Known Sexuality: Proudly bisexual, with a list of lovers that includes Frida Kahlo, Langston Hughes (allegedly), and pretty much every chic Parisian of the 1920s.
- Why She’d Thrive on OnlyFans: She’d deliver glamorous stripteases set to live jazz, mixing erotica with political bite. “Banana Skirt Tuesdays” would become iconic, and her subscribers would range from world leaders to drag queens.
#4 Giacomo Casanova
- Venetian adventurer and writer who seduced half of 18th-century Europe and then wrote a memoir so detailed it reads like historical porn fanfic.
- Known Sexuality: Straight-ish but open to anything desirable. Slept with women of every class, a few nuns, and definitely a few men if you read between the moans.
- Why He’d Thrive on OnlyFans: He’d offer seduction tutorials that actually work, combining charm with irresistible strategy. His travel vlogs would end in candlelit, full-nude finales that feel both intimate and cinematic. With a signature kink niche like “Historical WAP,” his content would be clever, sultry, and wildly addictive.
#3 Oscar Wilde
Irish playwright, poet, and symbol of aesthetic rebellion who torched Victorian hypocrisy with lacy gloves and hotter boyfriends than the moral police could handle. Wilde's wit and works often satirized and exposed the hypocrisy of Victorian society, particularly its rigid moral codes.
Known Sexuality: Unapologetically gay in a time when it was criminal. Was convicted and imprisoned for loving Lord Alfred Douglas—though his love sonnets are arguably even sexier than the scandal.
Why He’d Thrive on OnlyFans: He’d read erotically layered poetry while draped in silk robes, turning every verse into foreplay. His daily affirmations, like “You deserve a beautiful man and champagne for breakfast,” would soothe as much as seduce.
#2 Cleopatra
The last pharaoh of Egypt, fluent in multiple languages, and seductress of both Julius Caesar and Mark Antony.
Known Sexuality: Lived large, ruled harder. Her beauty was less about looks and entirely about sex-drenched charisma, legend-building, and strategy. She could seduce a senate, and she did.
Why She’d Thrive on OnlyFans: High-glam costume play shot in ancient tombs. Dom energy performance art. Full-body honey rituals called “Pharaoh Foreplay.” Higher tiers would include pyramid tours with afterglow confessions.
#1 Caligula
- Roman emperor (r. 37–41 AD) known more for orgies, incest rumors, and bizarre sex politics than anything administratively functional.
- Known Sexuality: Allegedly slept with his sisters, turned the palace into a fuck palace, publicly claimed to be a god, and replaced lawmakers with his lovers. Even Rome had to say: “Yo... chill.”
- Why He’d Thrive on OnlyFans: Ultra-premium content with “family-adjacent” roleplay, naked emperor cosplay, and live orgies streamed from a coliseum. The arc would be pure insanity.
What ties the horniest people in history together isn’t just sex—it’s performance. They wielded eroticism the way others wield power, influence, and art. They didn’t hide their appetites. They monetized them, sometimes with gold, sometimes with legend, and always with style. OnlyFans didn’t invent desire-for-hire. It just gave these ghosts the platform they’d always deserved.
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