Celibacy: Sometimes a Pause Puts Sex Back in Perspective

Don’t Take a Lifetime Celibacy Vow, Just Take a Little Time Off

Celibacy seems like something only Roman Catholic clergy, their ever-virgin female flock, up-tight evangelists, and Buddhist monks bother with. According to Psychology Today, it’s “a fast-growing sex trend” sweeping the nation. Not the fear of sin or emotional vulnerability brand of celibacy. This is the take some time off to reset, decompress, reflect, refresh, and get back to banging when/if you’re ready brand of celibacy.

One of the great things about being an adult is being able to have the kind of sex that you want, once you figure out what that is. Most people are raised in families that strongly prefer or insist on celibacy before marriage. Some even insist on it during marriage. As long as that’s what the individuals truly want, then ¡Viva la diferencia!

Chastity ring dreams aside, most people eventually have sex with another person, at least once. The United States has traditionally promoted marriage as a heterosexual inevitability, made valid in a mainstream Christian church, between two celibate partners with the intent of producing and raising God-fearing children who will follow in their parents’ footsteps. Love is always a nice bonus in a marriage but has rarely been recommended as a good fiscal guide. A marriage with love, passion, and financial stability has long been considered a rarity, especially if lasting.

Women, especially, have long been pressured by tradition, religion, and social approval to prioritize economics in their search for a mate. Men have long been told to focus on women eager to start a family. The ideal girlfriend and possible wife has “been” with few or no men prior to their eventual husband. While society claims it would prefer men to wait until the ring is on her finger, it’s no secret that that has rarely been the case no matter how far back you go in history.

 

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Healthy Reasons for Celibacy:

Sex and Dating Fatigue

There’s nothing modern about one or both members of a long-term relationship losing interest in sex or opting to break up. But the opportunity to consciously and without guilt take an official vacation from sex is quite new. It requires some finesse when you’re still part of a couple, but a month or three of self-selected celibacy can help you clear the mental, physical, and emotional cobwebs that may contribute to a relationship’s dissatisfaction level. If the bond is irreparably broken, then a holiday from the bee dance of dating or the tedium of marriage can boost the odds of the next amorous entanglement satisfying your needs.

In fact, this is the perfect time to figure out what those needs are. Are you burned out because you must always be the aggressor? Always available? Always in the mood? Always doing something you hate? Sick of boring dating app hookups? Tired of unsatisfying sex? Done with grifters and stealthing, ghosting and worrying about someone else’s pleasure? Feeling bitter or cynical about sex and love, especially in combination?

When dealing with other humans on a sexual level becomes too much might be the perfect time to indulge in a hobby favorite craft, meditate, take a class or series of workshops, talk to a therapist, and take the time to find out what you want from sex and from a partner. Take special note of what you miss and don’t miss.

Personal Growth and Self-Discovery

It is not uncommon for philosophical or religious practices to encourage celibacy during spiritual study or journeys. It can provide the perfect environment to put a soft focus on what bothers and upsets you. Psychology Today cites a 2024 national survey by The Kinsey Institute that found 16.5 percent of women and 9 percent of men were “single by choice.” Not only that, but they were also intentionally celibate.

Other mindful celebrities including Lenny Kravitz and Lady Gaga are among those who have enjoyed time away from the stress of other people’s sexual influence. During this time off, self-care can be a guilt-free indulgence. While you learn what your own sexual needs, interests, boundaries, and values are when not in a relationship or not focused on a partner’s sexuality, you can also gain communication skills, find ways to experience improved emotional intimacy and make more intentional choices.

Unhealthy Reasons for Celibacy:

Avoiding Vulnerability and Intimacy

Not everyone who decides to step back from sex and try celibacy does it for reasons that will lead to a healthier relationship with themselves or anyone else. Chief among those is a fear of being vulnerable and therefore open to emotional or physical pain or discomfort. A date or a sexual encounter are no guarantees of a successful love affair. Those with trauma from previous relationships’ betrayals or dating disappointments may escape into celibacy to avoid possible new hurts. It may work in the short term, but chances are high that the growing sense of isolation will overwhelm any positive lessons that could be gained.

Capitulation

Among the worst reasons to choose celibacy is because you have given up on sex and dating forever and ever. Likewise, if forced into celibacy by a third party. Healthy periods of abstinence are the result of a conscious and willing decision with an end-goal in mind.

This can be breaking free of restrictive misconceptions, learning how to use your words when discussing sensitive topics, taking time to heal emotionally before returning to being sexually active, or even deciding that you’re genuinely done with the whole sex and dating thing. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting with sexual temperance whether it’s for a few months or the rest of your life. Whichever you choose, what’s most important is that you choose it without coercion and can adjust it over time if you wish.

What Happens Now?  

Mental health therapists and counselors can help navigate the rocky path to reclaiming your sense of agency but ask a lot of questions before settling on one. Make sure they are qualified for your situation and have compassion, a lack of moral judgment, and some degree of insight. Ideally, they have gone through a period of planned celibacy or have encountered others who have.

When or if the time comes to return to the alligator infested swamp that is dating, there is wisdom in the words of Dr. Limor Gottlieb, a relationship psychologist interviewed by The Independent. “When people abstain from sex and go on dates to really get to know people, they can agree to having sex once emotional intimacy and trust has been created. It will allow for better judgments and less heartbreak down the line.”