Not Looking for Love: How to Keep the Casual in Casual Sex

What to do When the Oxytocin Clouds Your Mind After Casual Sex

Casual sex. Casual dating. The zipless fuck. Smash and dash. Hit it and quit it. Netflix and chill. One-night stand. Those are just a few of the many ways you can refer to a no-strings attached sexual encounter. Whatever you call it, it inspires several questions. Is casual sex sustainable? What if the sex is bad? What if one of you develops feelings? Where do you even meet people? If you do meet someone, how do you stay safe and still get what you want from the experience?

First, A Cautionary Tale

The year was 1990. I lived on the main floor of a two-story duplex in what was called “the lesbian ghetto” at the time. Rent was cheap, apartments were large, affordable mass transit went everywhere, kinky and queer folk felt safe, and the city was alive with quirky, creative, “alternative” folk. We kept the city weird. One day, the tall laurel bushes between my place and the multi-apartment Victorian next door were on fire. An apartment in the multi-apartment Victorian next door was also on fire. An ambulance, firetruck, and the cops were there.

We had to exit our homes and sit on the curb. Soon, the hip young man who rented the unit that was on fire walked up the street toward us. He sat next to me and explained that he had met a girl the night before at a bar his band had played at. They had a lot to drink, they walked back to his place, they had sex, and in the morning, she wouldn’t leave. Also, she had become jealous of his electric guitar and amp. The police had told him that while he was back at the bar trying to figure out how to get her to leave, she set his gear on fire. Naturally, the fire spread to the entire room. Trapped, she smashed her fist through a glass window.

This is an example of casual sex gone bad.

How to Make Casual Sex Go Good

Even a one-night stand deserves respect, honesty, clear communication, and the right to say “no” or “stop.” Consent is mandatory even for casual sex. Anything else is illegal. That’s why it’s wise to have a frank talk before doing the do, to make sure you both agree on what you’re about to do, how you’re going to do it, and why it’s going to be done.

Questions to ask yourself and any casual encounters include:

• Are you looking for romance, a monogamous relationship, or marriage?
• How do you feel about not being exclusive? Have you done this before?
• What do you like to do? Is there anything new you’d like to try?
• How often are you tested for STIs? Do you have an STI? What are your safer sex habits?
• What are your physical and emotional boundaries?
• Are there any health concerns you should explain?
• Why are you having casual sex? Fun? Romance? Exploration? Breakup recovery.
• Do you want to hang out before or after the sex?
• Are you too drunk or high to give meaningful consent?

After confirming that you’re both on the same casual sex page, the debauchery can begin. It’s best to use a condom for both of your safety. Be mindful that a condom will decrease any HPV or HSV inside the condom, but the former is small enough to squirm through and the latter can be transferred through sores not covered by the latex.

Some dates pursue casual sex encounters or sexual friendship so they have someone to explore new positions, scenarios, kinks, and other activities they may be unable to try with their established partner or want to try before they suggest it. Excellent resources for ideas, events where you can meet other people into casual play, workshops to learn about techniques and a multitude of other information and advice are your local leather, kink, BDSM, queer, polyamorous, or swinger communities.

When the topic of boundaries is addressed, remember that they aren’t just about what you will and won’t do sexually. It’s also about whether there will be a sleepover after the casual sex, whether there will be kissing, whether there will be another date, whether there will be any social time, etc. Knowing these things can help you avoid going into emotional territory you don’t want to enter or haven’t been invited into.

How Oxytocin Pretends to Be Love

Everybody who decides to give casual encounters a whirl has concerns about what to do if things get all lovey dovey and romantic during what was supposed to be a simple sex thing. If that happens, don’t worry. It happens to a lot of people. Sometimes it really is a love connection. Sometimes it’s what happens when you’re drunk on oxytocin.

Oxytocin is a hormone and neurotransmitter released by the pituitary gland into the bloodstream during sexual arousal and orgasm. It’s heady stuff, as evidenced by its nicknames, the “love hormone” and the “cuddle hormone.” While under the influence of oxytocin, it’s easy to think that you have found The One. Women produce higher levels of oxytocin than men, so this is something to remember if things get weird, especially if the sex was particularly satisfying. The levels of oxytocin in a man’s bloodstream begin to decrease about 30 minutes post-ejaculation, so it’s not unusual for a man to recover from its effects before his female partner. Sometimes men withdraw and become less social after this happens.

If “the feels” do happen, acknowledge them to yourself, and calmly let the other person know what’s happening. If it’s a simple case of oxytocin intoxication, the two of you can ride it out together. If it’s the “for reals,” make a time to puzzle out what to do.

Where to Find Casual Sex

Obviously, you can look for someone down to fuck at a bar or nightclub. If there is a “lifestyle” club or kink event, the former will have many opportunities to connect, the latter may take a while before you earn people’s trust. Dating apps and sites are always an option, as well. Wherever you meet your chemistry connection, there are a few things to keep in mind before, during, and after everyone removes their casual (or dressy) clothes.

You’ll attract more honeys after you take a shower, address body odor, put on clean and attractive clothing, and do not spritz more cologne or perfume than necessary. Whether your action happens at a club or event, after being invited to their home, or while you play casual sex host, there is some basic etiquette to adopt. Most of it is common sense and common courtesy.

Be prepared. Whether you’re a scout or not, be prepared with unexpired condoms, lube, multiple clean towels, and an apartment that won’t make guests, however casual, worry about contracting something by merely walking into it, let alone get naked and call out your name multiple times, and don’t kick them out without knowing how they’re getting home. When you’re a guest, respect your host’s belongings and feelings. Be polite, clean up after yourself, and know when to go. If either of you need aftercare, have a trusted friend you can confide in.

Dealing with Regret

Sex is a charged subject, regardless of how formal or how casual it is. Psychology Today notes that women are more likely than men to experience regret after taking a walk on the wild side. This has a lot to do with how good the sex was, whether they really do want a committed relationship, aren’t ready for sex after a trauma, and how they were raised to think about sex. A conversation with a friend or therapist may help the regret become manageable. Men are more likely to experience regret and self-recrimination when they miss an opportunity to get lucky. Since men are supposed to be studs with many names carved on their bed posts, this can be a hit to the self-image. A wingman can come in handy if picking up the signs of female interest is the problem.

Don’t expect your first time to be the pinnacle of eroticism, although it could surprise you. It can take a while to get used to sex without relationship expectations. People have had casual sex in one way or the other for centuries, but the American Psychological Association contends that it was the invention of the automobile and outdoor movie theater during the 1920s that really saw it go mainstream. We all know that the sexual revolution of the 1960s brought a more casual attitude toward sex. It also provided us with a lot of opportunities to do it wrong. So, give yourself a break if it isn’t perfect at first. We’re still figuring these things out.

But keep an up-to-date fire extinguisher in your home just in case.