Dating App Pitfalls, Perils, and Ways to Maximize Success

Imagine Dating Without the Rom-Cons, Cover-Ups, and Male Insecurity

Dating. Is there any other word that strikes as much dread in the heart of the average single or searching person? Dating apps have helped and hurt the chance to find love, friendship, sex, friends with benefits, kink, and all the above. But it’s not 2015 anymore.

Technological and dating pool quality on dating apps has improved and gotten worse, depending on your area of focus and metric. COVID has changed how we interact with one another, especially when it comes to being in the physical presence of another person. The possibility of being scammed or assaulted is a reality that both naïve and experienced dating app hopefuls need to be prepared to identify and repel. The grifters and consent violators seem like they are everywhere because they are motivated to connect. That sense of urgency can be a red or at least a yellow flag, so proceed with caution.

Identifying and Avoiding Scammers and Grifters

According to The Independent, during 2023, the average romance scam (rom-con) cost its victim around $30,000. Alas for those genuinely in search of a love connection, the best of the money-driven lotharios and cold-hearted coquettes have weaponized the art of romantic intrigue. They are in no hurry to meet but they love exchanging messages and receiving suggestive photos. Once a sense of intimacy and emotional vulnerability has been established, they begin to encourage their marks to invest in non-existent financial “opportunities” or help them through some “temporary” hard times with donations toward the bills, rent, lingerie, shoes, etc.

As The Independent helpfully explains, there are some tell-tale indicators that a prospective match is either a bad fit or should be approached cautiously at the very least. Here is a short list of orange and red flags to watch for:

• An instant, obsessive, jealous or overly possessive fixation on you.
• Is happy to message forever but not to meet in person or video chat.
• Sends photo stills that look likely to have been stolen.
• Asks for photos you would not want circulated without permission.
• Can’t keep their story straight but wants to know all about you.
• Persistently asks for money to cover a time-sensitive “emergency.”
• Manipulates your emotions until you do what they want.

The Reality of Dating App Dating

Regardless of whether we meet via dating app, church picnic, chance encounter, or Furry convention, the reality of dating is that people flake, do not follow through, drop out of communication, aren’t who they said they were, or are just too freaked out to take the risk.

Ghosting is a popular way to avoid the potential for rejection or repulsion. This can be baffling, especially to women who enjoy a series of lively text-based conversations and eventually a request for a date. Then, all too often, that’s the end of it. After the maybe match gets a definitive yes, a discouraging number of people, especially men, just vanish. In some cases, the thrill of the chase is better than the catch. For others, the transient intimacy of an online connection is plenty, especially for introverts and those who continue to minimize their potential exposure to COVID by rarely being in the company of non-household humans.

While the 2022 Pew Research Center survey about mid-pandemic dating apprehension is a few years old, it is likely that many, if not most, single dating app users still struggle to make an actual love connection no matter how much they want to find a special someone. Good things sometimes take time, so there’s no reason to shop for a ring on the first date but there’s also no reason to put off that first same place, same time meatworld encounter. If that’s a bridge too far, try a video date or even a phone call. If that’s a no go, cut your losses and move on.

Dangerous Secrets and Corporate Profits

Like it or not, dating is big business and profits are important. Some companies own multiple dating app services but rarely share information between them about bad faith subscribers. These mega-dating app moguls have done little to protect their sincere users from those who are known or reported predators. The money is there but spending it on safety protocols slows down corporate growth.

According to the Dating Apps Reporting Project, this makes it easy for repeat offenders to move from service to service and even create new accounts on the same app immediately after having had one account shut down. The Reporting Project also found that 60 percent of known dating app sexual assault survivors experience depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD, or other mind/body ailments, making them easier targets. OKCupid is listed by the Reporting Project as having some of the beefier security system and is more dedicated to sharing information about offenders among its family of dating apps.

For these and a myriad of other reasons, it’s never a bad idea to ask a trusted friend or family member to give you a “dating check-in call” during or after your date to literally make sure you are still alive. Most people on dating apps are regular folks, but it’s best to err on the side of caution, especially if there is going to be unobserved kink early in the dating timeline.

Why Straight Men Are Souring on Dating Apps

In a dating world that includes an overwhelming number of female options and the complexity of making a real-world connection, many straight men who seek a companion via app are unsure where they fit in the scheme of things. With so many colors of the rainbow and an increasing awareness of the critical importance of consent, sincere straight cis men are afraid of fucking up.

Men seeking genuine connection don’t want to be seen as too heteronormative, too toxically masculine, too threatening, too creepy, too wimpy, or too aggressive. These are some of the men who don’t respond to women’s messages, likes, or connection requests. Some of those brave enough to ask for an in-person date panic at the last minute and choose to bail instead of going through the elaborate bee dance that is modern romance.

Keep Hope Alive!

The modern dating app scene can seem hopeless and daunting, but do not despair! YPulse’s February 2023 Dating and Relationship Report reported that nearly 40 percent of Millennials found love on a dating app or site. Sometimes you really can find the needle in the haystack of love and a dating app may very well be that haystack.