Is the “Orgasm Gap” Real or Are We Asking the Wrong Question?

Does the “Gap” Have Biological, Skill-Based, or Context Origins?

“Did you cum?” How many men have asked their female partners this question after intercourse? How many women have responded in the affirmative honestly, how many lied, and how many even knew from experience what an orgasm feels like? It’s entirely possible that many women thoroughly enjoy themselves during intercourse without an orgasm. What does this mean for what The New York Times calls the “orgasm gap?” Are orgasms even the most accurate measure of sexual success?

Centuries of anecdotal accounts by women about their relationships and sexual experiences reinforce the belief that multiple elements affect the likelihood of a woman enjoying sexual pleasure, satisfaction, and/or orgasms. Dr. Marty Klein, author of America’s War on Sex, contends “That’s why orgasm is the wrong metric to measure people’s sexual experience.” Instead, he proposes, “A better question would be, ‘How much do you enjoy sex?’”

Dr. Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author of Come Together, agrees. “Orgasm is not the measure of a sexual encounter,” she assures. “Pleasure is the measure of a sexual encounter. There are so many ways to experience sexual pleasure, so it’s important not to equate the orgasm gap to a pleasure gap.” Like Klein, Nagoski believes that asking “What percentage of the sex you have do you like?” would result in better responses.

There are many elements that can interfere with male or female sexual enjoyment that have nothing to do with their partner’s sexual prowess. Feeling bullied, pressured, or forced into sex; a partner’s lack of hygiene; emotional conflict or distance between the partners; hormonal changes; erectile difficulties; a belief that their pleasure is less important than their partner’s; religious or body shame; too much alcohol; some medications; and an inability to identify and articulate sexual wants and needs are all conditions that everyday people contend with at some point or regularly. Perhaps the best question is, “How much do you enjoy sex when it’s with someone you choose, in a location you prefer, at a time that feels right, and in a way that you like?”

Source: https://www.instagram.com/p/C5hOl8vvRvD/

Regardless of whether these alternatives are superior, the focus remains on a “gap” that requires orgasms before sex before it can be labeled as good. Dr. Amanda Gesselman, a research scientist with The Kinsey Institute, observes that “We really, as a society, sort of prioritize men’s pleasure and undervalue women’s sexual pleasure and I think that contributes to consistent disparities.” In other words, intentional or not, since most societies view male orgasmic ejaculation as the high point and conclusion of sexual encounters, modern women often hold themselves to similar standards and thus feel pressure to orgasm or at least pretend to orgasm from penile-vaginal intercourse.

The good news is that orgasms in women exist and are no longer seen as a sign of mental illness. Instead, many men considered it a point of pride to “give” them to their female intercourse partners. The bad news is that not everyone defines “sex” or even “intercourse” in the same way. For many, the words are synonymous. For others, “sex” includes non-coital activities such as receiving cunnilingus and extended clitoral stimulation, both of which increase many women’s chances of orgasm. Researchers often don’t clarify what they mean when they use the words and, because of this, their results are useful but not conclusive.

Such was the case when Gesselman was the lead author of a study that hoped to find evidence that as women age, the “gap” narrows due to increased self-confidence, self-knowledge, and the possibility of partner skill improvement. Alas, Gesselman concluded that “we really didn’t see evidence of closing the orgasm gap overall.” Part of this is likely due to uncertainty about what the study meant when participants were asked, “When having sexual intercourse in general, what percentage of the time do you usually have an orgasm?”

Published recently in the journal Sexual Medicine, the study, which included an annual survey funded and conducted by Match.com in collaboration with The Kinsey Institute, found that regardless of age and sexual orientation, 70-85 percent of men said they had orgasms during sex. By comparison, women reported a 46-58 percent orgasm rate. Older gay and bisexual men, as well as lesbians and bisexual women aged 35 to 49 had more orgasms than their heterosexual peers. Another 19 percent of those sampled said they never or rarely orgasm during partnered sex.

"The orgasm gap between genders is substantial, with reported differences ranging from 25% to 52%. For example, a recent study found that 82% of men reported orgasming during their most recent casual sexual encounter compared with only 32% of women in the study." -- Amanda M. Gesselman

What kind of “sexual intercourse” the 24,000 single participants aged 18 to 100 engaged in is unknown. Given the inclusion of lesbians and bisexual women in the study, the standard cultural definition of the term would not be applicable because penile-vaginal penetration was not involved. Instead, chances are excellent that woman-on-woman sex includes more clitoral stimulation with toys, fingers, and mouths than during heterosexual pairings.

As Dr. Kristen Mark, professor at the Eli Coleman Institute for Sexual and Gender Health at the University of Minnesota, recommends, both men and women spend time determining what they consider a successful sexual rendezvous. How much emotional connection is desired? How much trust? Laurie Mintz, a psychology professor at the University of Florida and author of Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters – and How to Get It believes that one of the keys to unlocking women’s sexual pleasure, including but not limited to orgasms, is comprehensive sex education.

Further, Mintz encourages women to decide for themselves what they enjoy and then to feel confident and safe expressing that to their partners. This, of course, requires partners willing to listen and, more importantly, respectfully hear what they are told. Additionally, ruling out any physical reasons for sexual difficulty should be a priority. While Mintz admits that most doctors receive minimal training in sexual health, she emphasizes that “it’s their job to meet you where you are and find you the resources you need.”

All is not lost for the ladies, regardless of sexual orientation, because although the urge to be sexual may decrease with age, the older they get, the more they enjoy the sex they have. This is encouraging but, as Dr. Mintz observes, “It’s going to take education, and empowerment, and acceptance of vibrators and lubricants, and using the word ‘clitoris’ – and all of that.”

With that in mind: clitoris.