Here’s What Men and Women Really Want in Bed

Myths About Straight Sex Keep Straight People from Enjoying It.

Heterosexual, monogamous intercourse, also known as “straight” sex, is said by some to be the only moral, ethical, natural, appropriate, defensible, and respectable form of intercourse or sexual activity for humans. These same pundits contend that it should happen exclusively within the bonds of a first and only marriage, unless one or both are widowed, and it should not include more people than the legally married couple.

In addition to being wrong, this puts a lot of pressure on those who want to enjoy sex since it comes with a payload of social guilt, shame, silence, misinformation, and in all too many cases, eventual intimacy stagnation. Fortunately, there is a solution, and it works for all sexually active adults. Unfortunately, it’s not encouraged by those who work hardest to enforce and promote monogamous heterosexuality with the exclusive goal of reproduction within marriage.

Communicate

Humans started talking somewhere between 50,000 to 1 million years ago. During that time, you’d think we’d have figured out how to clearly communicate about important matters. Like sex. Like love. Like pleasure. Like whether they should have anything to do with one another.

Due to social conditioning, many people who only have sex with those who have opposite-type genitals have come to assume their partner will not make their sexual enjoyment or satisfaction a priority. Instead, women expect that men will focus on their own pleasure and end the encounter shortly after it has been achieved. Women have often been encouraged to be unopinionated pillow princesses who lie back and think about laundry until they can get up and fold it.

Men, meanwhile, are led to believe that they should “naturally” know what to do in bed and they should want to do it constantly. To ask for advice or feedback is not merely “vulgar,” it suggests that they don’t have this instinctual knowledge, which calls their manhood into question. Unless they enter self-identified sex-positive communities, it’s likely most straight men have few, if any, male confidants or mentors available for a useful info swap.

Few enjoy this dynamic, but even fewer know how to change it. Sexual imagery is everywhere, yet sex is still not a topic most couples are comfortable having a serious conversation about. To share “vanilla” or taboo desires and fantasies requires courage since things can turn ugly if they are poorly received. To ask for sexual pleasure can feel selfish, greedy, dirty, and sinful. It can open the door to expressions of condemnation and disgust. To be asked can be traumatic or liberating, depending on that person’s upbringing and experiences. Without it, mutual satisfaction becomes a game of chance.

There is no One True Way™ to have the first of what is hopefully many conversations about how to give and receive sexual pleasure. Some people just need to know it’s a safe subject. Others have no idea what they like yet. Being away from the bedroom during the discussion works best for most people. A place where each person feels comfortable, relaxed, heard, and not judged. This may be in person or, for those who find it easier to communicate online, through a chat or streaming video program.

For couples that choose to stay together and to work on their shared happiness, a study that appeared in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships provides hope. It showed that heterosexual men in long-term partnerships with women are happier when communication between them about sexual subjects remains open.

Dicks Are Awesome but They’re Not Everything

One of the first things to unlearn is the Myth of the Essential Penis. Opinions vary, but most heterosexual women have positive things to say about the penis. Complaints tend to relate to how the penis is used and whether penis-in-vagina intercourse is the only sexual stimulation either partner can enjoy. If the goal is to inspire an orgasm in a woman, the Kinsey Institute recommends that other forms of stimulation be added to the sexual menu.

This may initially feel like a snub to the penis, but in most cases, it is a gift. Men with mercurial erections or who need more time or emotional connection for full arousal do not have to feel rushed. It allows both partners an opportunity to build desire. Depending on each person’s needs and wants, intercourse can even be optional. Instead, fingers, mouths, tongues, toys, dirty talk, roleplay, and more can be everybody’s close, personal friends.

Trying different kinds of sensations with confidence and enthusiasm is an ego booster that, according to a 2017 study, helps men feel less sexually “broken.” It also makes their partners feel less pressured to fake an orgasm. Research published in the Journal of Sex Research shows that adding vibration resulted in almost half of its female participants experiencing multiple orgasms that were more powerful than through genital-to-genital intercourse. That’s quite the selling point, especially since only about 25 percent of women consistently experience orgasms through vaginal penetration.

It's Not a Competitive Sport

One of the worst things about gender-based sexuality stereotypes is that a sexual encounter can easily go from intimacy to an obsessive need to achieve a specific goal. That goal is usually an orgasm. It’s certainly a laudable ambition but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. That doesn’t mean the sex or sensuality wasn’t amazing. Frankly, the more orgasm becomes the only acceptable conclusion the more likely it is to be elusive.

Bustle reports that men and women can both achieve “peak arousal” after about 10 minutes of stimulation, although some take longer, and some take less time. It’s not uncommon for women to prefer about 20 minutes of foreplay, whereas some men are ready for action right away. Much depends on the individual, their health, their inhibitions, and their age.

Although a 2017 study published in The Journal of Sex Research only included male respondents, it seems likely that the results are universal. The 30 men from 30 years of age to 65 who were interviewed replied with three things that consistently cause them stress when it comes to sex: a need to feel wanted, a fear of rejection, and being unable to connect emotionally with their partner.

It all starts with oral sex, meaning that we need to use our mouths to express our desires without shame while we use our ears to hear those of our partners with an open heart.