BDSM is for Every Body, Even Those with Disabilities

Being Able-Bodied is Temporary, but Kink Can Be Forever!

Those of us who are able-bodied find it comforting to think that it will always be this way. Disabilities happen to other people. We will be forever young and forever healthy. Well, I’m here to tell ya that it ain’t necessarily so.

The chance is good that any one of us will experience an injury, illness, or accident that will complicate our ability to do things that had previously been effortless. There’s also the whole getting older thing to consider. And then there’s love and attraction. What if an able-bodied us falls for an us with physical or psychological limitations? How does the whole sex and kink stuff work? Does it even happen? The good news is that this is a case where we can fuck around and find out and be glad that we did.

It's a myth that two (or more) people can have the best sex or kinkiest fantasies realized without some conversation beforehand. Men are not psychic. Neither are women. Making things even more frustrating is how out of touch we are with what we crave and, if we figure some of that out, how to express it without fear of rejection.

When one or both (or all) partners are accommodating a disability, not having “The Talk” can result in more than just a disappointing experience. Contrary to another myth, people with disabilities are sexual human beings just like everyone else. They are perfectly capable of being perverts and horndogs like other sexual human beings. They are also capable of saying “no” and “yes” to potential activities.

So, regardless of our visibly-, invisibly-, or temporarily-dis/abled condition, we need to exchange information about not just what we like or don’t like, but what we should avoid doing and, if applicable, why. The last thing any of us want is to explain something embarrassing or incriminating to an EMT, ER nurse, or police officer. Much better to negotiate and discuss. It doesn’t have to be spoken if one partner has difficulty with that.

Typing, adaptive keyboards, Braille, American Sign Language, and other options are available. While we determine which will work best, we can also discuss what to do if one of us is gagged, goes “pre-verbal,” or is unable to hear. This latter is especially important for hearing-impaired people and those whose Autism can make them feel overwhelmed and wear noise-canceling headphones. While doing this, those who haven’t interacted with a disabled person need to remember one Golden Rule: don’t assume they are idiots. Unless they’ve agreed to an age-regression scene with us, do not infantilize them.

Something else to remember is that not all disabilities are visible at all times. Heart conditions, high or low blood pressure, diabetes, epilepsy, hearing impairment, Multiple Sclerosis, arthritis, Autism, PTSD, and a list of other conditions are not always visible, yet they can affect how we need to Top or bottom, whether it’s during sex, bondage, percussive body play, or anything else our wandering minds agree sounds fun.

Of course, some disabilities are easy to see. If mobility devices are required, some things to consider and discuss include accessibility of the play area if a wheelchair, walker, or cane is necessary. Is there a ramp or are there stairs into or within the space? Will assistance be necessary in the bathroom or during any removal/donning of clothing? Are the doors wide enough for the wheelchair or walker to fit through?

If mobility is not an issue, the ability of each play partner to hear one another or express continued or revoked consent is important to determine. Public play spaces are often loud and even at quieter venues, it’s not uncommon for multiple fellow attendees to speak at the same time. These are issues if there is a hearing impairment, although it can be a boon when playing with someone overwhelmed by sound easily. It may be necessary to stand in front of our play partner so they can read our lips, we may need to learn some sign language, or write our messages.

Likewise, lighting can make or break a scene. Too much and there’s no ambiance. Too little and we can’t see what we’re doing. If we have a light sensitivity, it gets even trickier to find the right balance. Sometimes adjustable colored lighting can help.

Quick-release restraints can be useful during scenes with a hearing-impaired participant, someone with circulation issues, or with damage to their wrists, ankles, or back. Something soft and easy to hold in one or both hands and drop is an option if speaking is difficult and the bottom wants to signal “yellow” for the scene to slow down or “red” for it to end.

Once we’ve had enough of whatever we’ve been doing, we need to engage in a form of aftercare that allows all involved to reorient with reality safely and in comfort. For some, that means extended cuddling, sex, a nap, a snack, a cup of water, kneeling at a Dom’s feet, removing a submissive’s bonds, or discussing the scene, what went well, and what needs work. Everyone’s ideal aftercare is unique and, especially for people with disabilities, our own needs and body’s reactions can affect what is possible at any given moment. Some may need help changing positions, a soft place to sit or recline, accessible furniture, a stuffie to snuggle, or a handkerchief for strong post-play emotions.

When one or both players are disabled, we must be even more vigilant about remaining true to our word concerning what will and what will not happen. No non-negotiated “friend” to hold anyone down. No suspension bondage when a simple chest harness was negotiated. No ashes swallowed if they’re on birth control or anti-depressants, and no pissing on anyone if we’re on heart meds because they will be absorbed into the other person’s skin.

There is, however, a lot that we can do together if we take the time to communicate, communicate, communicate in good faith, think creatively about positions and accessories, and know that although there will be times when play doesn’t happen or doesn’t happen the way we hoped it would happen, if we take mental notes, practice patience, and learn what works and how, we’ll be having the kind of kink and sex that we crave a lot more often.