Darklady’s Short List of Sex-Positive Resolutions for 2024

This Year Let’s Become Better Lovers, Sweethearts, and Friends!

I’m not much for things like New Year’s Resolutions because they’re easily broken by not being realistic and, frankly, they don’t usually contribute to our overall sense of well-being. They’re reactive. We promise to diet, stop drinking, stop smoking, exercise, and other things that imply that we aren’t good enough as we are. We don’t make positive resolutions; we resolve to do things that indicate that we aren’t good enough and probably never will be.

What a fucked-up way to leave one year behind and start a new one!

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like feeling like I’m not good enough and never will be. I save that kind of thinking for long, dark winter nights by the huge fireplace in my secret Darklady lair, my Great Dane at my feet and a single candle flickering on the shelf. My strangely appealing but angst-filled expression communicates the depth of my mental, emotional, and spiritual obsession with the many things I have not achieved, including those I never will. Because of this, I propose the following short list of sex-positive resolutions for the horror that awaits us in 2024.

KEEP HOPE ALIVE: Yes, it’s been a campaign slogan but it’s also like oatmeal; a good idea. Don’t start 2024 convinced it’s going to be a “horror,” like I did above, for instance. Our chances of getting laid or even getting into a relationship (if that’s what we want) are greatly improved by believing there’s a future, however brief, worth sharing with another human adult. While I have no interest in what I consider “toxic” positivity, maintaining some hope and at least an edge of optimism will not just help us interact with others more easily but also help us attract people into our lives by presenting ourselves as the kind of person they want there.

BE HONEST: My friends think that my obsession with telling the truth is one of my strategic shortcomings when it comes to keeping the peace. That may be so, but I’ve got decades of experience lying to myself about what I want out of sex and relationships, most of those lies are because I have wanted to keep the peace. So much time and energy are wasted on our desperate fears of being alone and our willingness to compromise to the point of non-representation. To avoid possible conflict, we lie to ourselves about what we fantasize about, what we want to do for reals, what we do not want to do, and how we feel about our sexual or romantic partners. The more truth we can introduce to our relationships, the more genuine the bonds of those relationships will be.

EMBRACE CHANGE: Good, bad, or indifferent, things change. When we decide to learn a new sex or kink technique, try out a new type of vibrator or other “marital aid” (that works for everyone who has genitals, married or not), or have a conversation about a previously taboo topic we can help craft positive change. It’s easy to fear change and how it will affect comforting sex or relationship rituals or permanence, but if we can look at the process of change as an unfolding make-our-own adventure that will (hopefully) result in our becoming an even better lover, sweetheart, and friend, the approach will feel less frightening and more exciting. If we choose this rewarding but potentially rocky path, grab onto a metaphorical railing and hang on, because change can be invigorating and refreshing in a very enjoyable way.

SAVE SOME LOVE FOR OURSELVES: It’s hard work getting to know ourselves because we’re not encouraged to do it. Neither are most of the people we’re going to become intimate with. Instead, we are trained to close ourselves off from one another and ourselves to make it easier for us to chase 19^th and 20th-century gender models in a 21st-century world. It’s a tale as old as time, but it’s one we have more control over now than at any previous time in history, so we need to save some of that love and sexy time for ourselves. We aren’t fountains of endless amore and ever-hard/ever-wet fuck machines for those we love or desire. We need to be replenished, each in our own way. So, when we allow ourselves alone-time self-pamper dates we can more easily find out and then indulge in that which helps us relax, feel renewed, and become friends with our bodies.

Although not as disruptive as 2020 was globally, both 2022 and 2023 had some new levels of low in my life. I got married, which has been amazing for the first time, but there has been far too much death and its associated paperwork, inconvenience, and waves of emotion for my taste. It’s possible 2024 will be more of the same. A lot depends on a lot of things, including me and how I choose to react to the shifting sands of life that I try so unsuccessfully to tread lightly on.

I have decided to greet this new year with the intention to further integrate these four “Resolutions,” for lack of a better word, into my daily activities of living. Part of learning to love myself more is acknowledging that I am flawed and will make mistakes. There will be times when I will get “too busy” to reward myself, I will keep my counsel longer than I should, I will indulge in the occasional dramatic display of 1990’s style gothic despair, and I will sometimes need to be dragged kicking and screaming into the better world of my creation.

In the end, I have confidence that 2024 will be fascinating, utterly unlike what I expect, and bursting with opportunities for me to learn and better myself. I might as well enjoy the experience. I hope we are all able to enjoy the upcoming 366-day ride. I look forward to seeing you on the other side of the Auld Lang Syne.