December is Here! Prepare for the Saturnalia!

The Hedonistic Roman Holiday Pre-Dates Christmas by Centuries.

Depending on which online expert you read, December is either the most or least popular for couples to have sex during. I was conceived on my father’s birthday in November, shortly after he was married. I think that was just a favor from my mom, who died a virgin, or whether they couldn’t afford heat, but here I am! Born just before the dog days of Summer, I am ironically no fan of extreme temperatures, be they hot or cold. Because of that, Winter isn’t my happiest of happy times. I like Autumn and Spring, but those other two get out of control sometimes.

That could explain why some of the most festive holidays take place during the Winter months. If they seem endless today, imagine what it was like before electricity, cell phone towers, and social media. We’re all familiar with the modern marketing holidays: Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwaanza, and now Eid al-Fitr. But surely something came before Winter became all about profit margins, Santa photos, and prosperity doctrine. But what did people do before Christmas was invented? Saturnalia!

Originally a one-day holiday, Saturnalia grew to a seven-day festival to celebrate the god Saturn, an agricultural deity who reigned during a Golden Age for humans, and the birth of Mithra, “the unconquered sun.” The most popular holiday on the Roman calendar (you’ll find out why soon), December 17 – 23 was set aside to expand on what began as ancient farming rituals associated with the season and the upcoming solstice.

For a week, all Romans were effectively equal, and the country was shut down. Everyone went to the temple, children were given toys, the rich donated to the poor, servants and masters feasted at the same table and swapped garments, war could not be declared, courts and students went on vacation, and everyone took time off from work. The social order was turned inside out and extreme partying was the name of the game. Even the gymnasiums were closed. Wreaths of holly were hung, evergreens were placed in the temples, and chaos ruled.

Ah, the good ole days.

All that fun can’t happen without someone at least pretending to orchestrate it. That was the Lord of Misrule. A peasant or working-class fellow, he was chosen by his family to whip folks up and encourage them to get into the spirit of things. Gambling, singing, playing music, exchanging gifts of candles and small terracotta figures, and “socializing” were some of the things he encouraged his friends, strangers, and relatives to do. As for him, he was supposed to make festive trouble during these occasions.

He became the roommate from hell, chasing after all available females, dressing crazy, talking smack to guests, and generally existing for no other reason than to be the master of the previously mentioned chaos. During his brief reign, he could demand that people do all manner of things. If the Lord of Misrule told you to take your clothes off and sing a merry tune, you had to do it. Ironically, it is said that Emperor Nero was a Lord of Misrule during his youth.

Now, to be clear, when I say that Romans were partying hard during this week of pent-up stress release, I mean it. Drunkenness wasn’t just tolerated but encouraged, cross-dressing, feasts, kissing, and orgies were all on the menu. As I said earlier, ah, the good ole days. Licentiousness was law, although how much public nudity there was likely depended upon the weather and how many Lords of Misrule wanted to see people naked. Now that I think of it, there was probably a lot of public nudity.

Whatever was happening with the temperature or humidity, when Mithra’s birthday arrived on December 25, Romans knew that longer days of light were on their way. For many, this was the most sacred of all days. Sadly, in about 390 AD, Christian Roman Emperor Theodosius I canceled all pagan festivities. It was time for Christmas and the virgin birth.