For a Healthy Prostate, Try “Nut Plenty November!”

Who the Hell Thought “NNN” Was a Good Idea?

At some point in human history, we lost our ever-loving minds. I’m sure we all have our own favorite date about when that happened, but right now I’m focused on the year 2011. That’s when a perfectly good men’s health awareness event known as “Movember,” or as I first heard it described, “No Shave November,” was turned into a totally sex-negative celebration of anti-masturbation self-righteousness called “No Nut November.”

In 2003, the month was dedicated to raising awareness about men’s diseases like prostate cancer, testicular cancer, and suicide. In 2011, the power of the meme proved to be strong because an internet challenge called No Nut November inspired countless men to abstain from all manner of genital satisfaction for no goddamn reason I can figure out. Except for the memes and accolades earned at the weekly incel potluck and cock cage repositioning parties. Supposedly, it was just a bit of satire gone viral, but it’s become a full-on masturbation condemnation machine.

Why hate on masturbation, though? Especially during a month originally dedicated to men’s reproductive health? I propose that we counter the shame-soaked NNN with the far more healthy, pleasurable, and convenient alternative, “Nut Plenty November.” In other words, take the opportunity to stroke it to the left and stroke it to the right whenever it is both legal and convenient.

Contrary to popular tight-ass moralistic opinions, masturbation does a body good. In addition to relaxing, boosting the happy chemicals in our brains, releasing tension, and giving us a new lease on life, masturbation for those with testicles and prostates experience physical and psychological benefits from jerking off to completion. For those who still need to read it: masturbation is healthy, it is natural, it is good, it is fun. There is nothing wrong with masturbating.

While the No Nut November anti-wankers deny their movement is anti-porn, they love to talk about how much time men dedicate to it, invariably concluding that it is too much time wasted. Instead, they point to a badly researched study from 2003 that claimed abstinence led to increased testosterone levels. What the NNN fan club plans to do with all that supposed testosterone, I don’t know. Sounds kinda homoerotic to me, but I like that kind of thing.

Instead of intoxicating spikes in testosterone, men who engage in “semen retention” are more likely to become depressed and anxious. In addition to the physical release that does not happen for as long as a guy can hold out, the guilt of wanting to masturbate and shame, if he does, is not a good combination for anything except for misery. Given what a fucked-up concept the whole “don’t masturbate for a month and that will somehow help cure disease or purify souls” nonsense is from the get-go, it’s hardly a surprise that the far-right has weaseled in on it. If you want to convert a man to your way of thinking, grab him by the genitals. Or, more accurately, don’t let him grab himself by them.

Other than filling a need for mindless self-denial exhibition or moral grandstanding, refusing to receive genital pleasure for a month doesn’t accomplish anything. As mentioned, no money is raised for a good cause. No awareness is raised for better health outcomes. All that is raised is the risk of testicular or prostate cancer. Over the long term, that’s an additional 20 percent chance of contracting cancer. To abstain for a month is unlikely to kill anyone, but it isn’t going to make them healthier, either. Just crankier and, ultimately, more irritable and aggressive. That’s assuming they don’t develop a drinking, drug, or religion problem by the time the month is over.

As anyone who has ever flunked philosophy couldn’t remember, correlation does not equal causation, so we don’t know if bashing the bishop more often actively drops the risk of serious disease. We just know that the most extensive research in a field that has had precious little quality research found that men who jack it regularly, regardless of whether they also have intercourse, are clocking in at a lower risk for diseases of the prostate and testicles. Thus, misguided if satirical celebrations of enforced and ongoing self-celibacy serve no positive purpose.

Now, No Shave November? There’s something we can all get behind. For the men, there’s a sanctioned reason to grow a mustache, try out a beard, or just let your facial hair do its thing. Women-type people who’d like to get involved in a hair and awareness-raising fashion can let their pit or leg hair forget the feel of steel or just not cut the hair on their head for a month. Women in adult could further show their support by giving their waxing tech the month off and modeling for some niche content.

Other than letting our hair live the dulce vita for a month, there are organizations like Fight Colorectal Cancer, No-Shave, and American Cancer Fund that depend on donations to do outreach and provide services to treatment, support, and prevention of cancer patients, their families, and their survivors.

The best thing about No Shave November/Movember and my self-invented Nut Plenty November is that, unlike No Nut November, there are so many more enjoyable ways to contribute.