When Porn Isn’t the Problem: Talking About Real Issues

In a Culture Ashamed of Sex, Honesty is Courageous.

I recently listened to a YouTube video featuring licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist Dr. Marty Klein. For the purposes of being journalistically transparent, I must admit that the good doctor is a friend of mine who once told me that the back of my neck smells good, so I may be biased in his favor. (Popular opinion has provided me with enough independent research that I can safely say that the back of my neck does, in point of fact, smell delightful.) That aside, I think he’s one of the few professionals unashamed of his interest in healthy sexuality and relationships. He’s certainly one of the few with any useful insights, advice, or opinions about sexuality that deviate from what we’ve been lied into believing is “normal.” This includes pornography.

The fact that pornography elicits strong emotions from people who fear, are offended, or are outraged by it is not a mystery to anyone. There’s no political party that seems especially fond of sex worker rights, including those of porn performers, nor of those possessed by their fans. This does not mean that people of all stripes of politics aren’t frantically watching their favorite performers online, feeling ashamed, and covering up with claims of moral outrage. This leaves an entire class of workers vulnerable to economic, psychological, and physical harm. It doesn’t do the people who enjoy the results of those workers’ efforts any favors, either.

Because of this, as Dr. Klein points out, it’s easy to avoid confronting actual problems in our intimate relationships. The suppression of open dialogue between lovers may avoid direct confrontation on issues of actual concern, but it redirects them in increasingly unhealthy directions. If a woman would like increased physical intimacy with her partner, it’s much easier to blame his lack of availability on his decision to watch erotic videos. Likewise, if there are relationship difficulties involving communication, porn makes a handy target. And if sexual interests or desires are incompatible, the bad reputation of enjoying porn makes it the obvious source of evil because it exposes a variety of sexual techniques to people who might otherwise never know about them. And sexual ignorance seems to be a virtue among many in the anti-porn camp.

This does not mean that women don’t have some valid reasons to complain, especially if exposure to adult content results in them being pressured into activities that they aren’t interested in. Anal sex, rough sex, multiple-partner sex, partner swapping, same-sex experiences; any and all of these can be enjoyable, but rarely, if ever, out of the blue and without debate or agreement, they are not only not cool, but they are also non-consensual and therefore rape. That is bad. It certainly isn’t going to improve a troubled relationship, heal emotional wounds, nurture trust, or make it easier to calmly share common interests or areas of emotional and physical discomfort.

It also doesn’t provide men who have sex with women an opportunity to learn how to introduce these ideas and activities. That’s not porn’s job, although it sometimes does a better job than mainstream education, especially that of a religious origin. The very idea of soliciting consent before touching someone, a woman especially, has been ridiculed by many in the sex-negative media and social realms. And that is where the fundamental harm takes root.

If it’s unimaginable that we openly discuss our sexual preferences, interests, and experiences, nothing except disappointment, heartbreak, and harm can result. Time has proven that the human race is poor at reading its members’ minds. Add passion, impulsiveness, ignorance, guilt, and shame and the resulting cocktail is misery. In those men who suffer from what is often called “toxic masculinity,” things are even more complex since the very thought of being anything less than the ultimate decision-maker can feel threatening and uncomfortably vulnerable.

Commercial porn has certainly released some questionable content over the decades, but most of it has been aimed at contributing to pleasure and not harm. Without the basic skills needed to recognize, acknowledge, and articulate our sexual truths, our chances of making lasting pair bonds are decreased. In the modern world, marriage is not a life sentence for those who no longer wish to be married. People share residences without bothering to get entangled with the government. Relationships survive out of compatibility, stubbornness, or fear. Most of us would prefer to avoid the last kind of relationship, regardless of how long it lasts and how much others tell us those years prove it is a “success.”

Sadly, for many of us, it’s more intimidating and emotionally uncomfortable to tell ourselves, let alone our partners, what feels good. What we think would feel good. What excites us. What we are curious about. Instead, we fall into routines of resentment and secrecy. We grow distant from our partners and disassociate from ourselves. In return, we receive praise and encouragement for maintaining “traditional family values,” keeping our thoughts “pure,” not contributing to the “degradation” of women, and whatever else the moral elite can use to manipulate us into dysfunction.

The problem is not that porn exists or that it doesn’t come with an instructional manual. The problem is that we aren’t talking to each other about our thoughts, needs, and desires. We’re talking at one another. Instead of searching for the causes of our conflicts, we’re looking for a scapegoat. Further, we’re not encouraged to pursue objective information about these forbidden topics. In fact, we are increasingly denied or discouraged from taking advantage of opportunities to gain access to knowledge about matters sexual.

Is opening yourself up to criticism, condemnation, or rejection easy? Of course not! But if we don’t want our partners to be strangers, if we don’t want our children to grow up in the airless atmosphere of our inhibitions, then we owe it to a lot of people to step out of our comfort zones and use our words.